Restless and Dissatisfied

I actually wrote this post back in September. I occasionally scroll through my "recent documents" list for just such things. I have no idea sometimes why I didn't post. Was I in a hurry? Did I think it wasn't finished? No clue on this one. So here it is.

I am really in a pretty good place right now, but this evening I just feel icky. A little like a worried hypocrite…just a bad combination all the way around. I don't like worrying…so I hate it when I succumb to its pull. It is absolutely, positively, hands-down the worst waste of time…but I do it occasionally any way...just for kicks. Today is one of those days I would have looked at Todd and just said "I need a hug." He would have delivered. Caley said earlier this evening (as she has been doing more lately) "I wish Daddy was here." I usually just say, "I do too."

My daughter confessed to feeling angry inside, and since I was feeling ugly inside too, we (Luke too) threw ourselves on her bed and kicked and screamed (into the mattress) and flailed our arms until we had spent a lot of the pent up energy. We all felt a little better…until Luke wanted to kiss her (he is a huggy/kissy kind of guy, but basically he does this to push her buttons because he knows that SENDS her over the EDGE).

When I feel overwhelmed I notice that I seem to get dissatisfied with everything. I also subconsciously begin trying to figure out the future. Oh, my prayer is for contentment. Not running ahead or lollygagging behind…just alternating between a nice stroll and a brisk walk.

I am feeling overwhelmed because it seems the statue of limitations on my mourning has expired and I am now expected (by whom, I'm not sure) to reenter the rat race where everyone is so busy they are exhausted and unable to enjoy the simple pleasure of being still…of enjoying family and friends. In fact, many feel GUILTY for wanting to enjoy these pleasures….because it seems so, so…unproductive! It actually sickens me how insidious this soul stealing activity/busyness has become…and I am starting to dip my toe back in and make agreements without thinking.

Wise Words from (Todd’s) “Mini-me”

I was laying on a chair, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought. Luke appeared at my side.

"Whatcha thinking about?"

"Work."

"Why would you think about work when you don't have to work? There's all kinds of things you could think about. God, Daddy, us. Those are just a few examples. You could think about anything."

And he walked off to finish getting ready for bed.

 

Good Soil

(Jesus) told this parable: "…Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown."

…

"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. …the seed on the good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop."

Luke 8: 8, 11, 15

Here is what I have been really struggling with for the last month: anger. It builds up like an electrostatic charge that must be discharged. The discharge is never pretty.

This morning during my quiet time, I had an image of Jesus operating a large tiller which was breaking up and turning over the hard ground (of my heart)—making it soft and fertile as He goes over the same patch several times. He has ear buds in his ears (maybe listening to music, but certainly muffling the sound of the tiller and my hollering and complaining) and a relaxed smile on his face as if there are no surprises.

Each time I felt a burst of anger today, I would picture Jesus and that tiller turning over the soil of my hardened heart. I could feel it in my chest, and it brought relief each time. There is still so much work to be done, but I want to be the good soil.

Mood Music

If Today Was Your Last Day (Nickelback)
http://youtu.be/lrXIQQ8PeRs

Lyrics by Chad Robert Kroeger

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

Sweet Baby Boy, Part 2 (very cute if I do say so myself)

The wind is not blowing in this picture...that is what his hair always did. People would recognize me in the grocery store as the mom with the baby boy who's hair stuck straight up. Honestly, his hair is probably responsible for more smiles and happy faces than most comedians get in a lifetime. I couldn't count how many times some one ran after me to tell me "I love his hair" with a big smile on their face.

In a way, it was just a birthmark for his personality! He has a buzz cut now ("like daddy's"), but his spirit still encompasses that waving hair. ;-)

Sweet Baby Boy

There is a scene in the children's movie, Tangled, where a group of ruffians in a pub sing about their dreams (for the future). These thugs sing about dreams of falling in love, becoming a concert pianist, being a mime, "etcetera, etcetera, etcetera" (to quote Yul Brynner in The King and I).

Luke was singing a line from the song--repeatedly-- one morning this week. When I realized what he was singing, I asked him, "so, what's your dream?"

He immediately answered matter-of-factly, "to see Daddy again." I guess I should have seen that one coming.

I usually write a post and decide on a title after I've written most of it. As I typed the words "sweet baby" in the title of this post, I suddenly remembered how I so often called Todd "sweet baby." It is funny how those kinds of things catch you by surprise…like you've forgotten them for a time. Today it all feels like a life time ago.

Wise Words

None of these are particularly good pictures, but I like them any way. I came across these as I was trying to clean up the clutter in my bedroom. I have found several clusters of pictures that I apparently carried around until I tucked them away in my room.

Todd purchased the Corvette as a "project" car when Caley was a few months old. He worked on it, off and on, and finally finished it when Luke was about 2. He sold it about a year or so before he died. When it came time to sell it, knowing how much time and energy he had put into rebuilding it, I thought selling it would be difficult for him, but his response was: "Never love anything that can't love you back." I thought that was an awesome response to the situation. I learned so much about grace-filled living from him.