Two Old Posts

Found these in my drafts.  

12/23/2011


New Me?

I did something very spontaneous the other day. I was commenting to a friend how "out of character" this was for me. She replied, "you have got to stop saying that. Maybe that wasn't how you used to be, but perhaps this is you now."

I thought about it. She is right. I have made a good many spontaneous decisions in the last year and a half. I can no longer say that it is "out of character." Todd would be proud!



11/21/2011 

Free

I just have to laugh at myself when I realize how seriously I take myself sometimes…and how I want to put God in a box. I get upset when I don't understand how to fit life into this box. I stomp my feet and cry and scream – all of which I have actually done this past week.

 But how awesome it is when I accept that none of it will fit inside my box…and the parts I have stored in there have pieces that are missing. Free. That's how I feel right now, free.

 I am giggling to myself because I am thinking of how trying to fit life into any kind of container is just like trying to zip up your overstuffed suitcase after you have managed to get the last item in (basking in your moment of triumph) only to look over and see another pile of things that needs to fit. Futile ;-)

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Courageous

Songwriters: HALL, JOHN MARK / WEST, MATTHEW

---------------------------------------------------

But everything inside you

knows there is more than what you've heard

And you're on fire when He's near you

…
When everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change

…
I'm standing on the edge of me…

I'm on fire when You're near me
And I'm on fire when You speak
And I'm on fire burning at these
Mysteries…

                                               On Fire
                                    Songwriters: Foreman, Jonathan; Victor, Daniel; 

I am a big Switchfoot fan, but I just found this song.

I think it is absolutely beautiful.  Close your eyes and just listen.

 

On Fire

Change of Address

“Our past does not define us, it prepares us.” I recently came back across this quote, and it speaks so clearly to where I find myself at this moment and to the hope I have that nothing is wasted in God’s economy. We humans have such a capacity to hurt, but, thankfully, God’s nature is to heal.

Someone, early on, sent me a card that has a picture of a little girl twirling outside in the sunshine and shadows. I still have it on my refrigerator, because the picture never fails to bring a smile to my heart (although sometimes it is a very weak smile), and it has been a powerful reminder that—although I could not imagine it at the time--I could dance and twirl again. Little by little, hard fought battles have been won so that I have begun to feel like that little girl on a more regular basis. The scripture verse on the inside of the card was from Psalm 35.

But let me run loose and free, celebrating God’s great work,
Every bone in my body laughing, singing,
“God there’s no one like you.”
Psalm 35:9-10 (The Message)

I still catch myself sometimes getting caught up in the victim mentality…the one where there is never any singing or dancing or twirling. The one where I live like I am powerless to make changes. I can still hear Todd speaking to me when I was upset about something with the kids and how they were behaving and feeling like a victim in my own home. (yuk! I hate to even admit that, but it is true.) He looked at me and said with firmness and love and support, “You are the momma.” I immediately knew what he meant, and I also knew he was right. I had the power to change things. So, when I have these “victim moments” about my life now, I translate “I am the momma” into “I am a beloved daughter of the King, ” which reminds me I do not have to live in a place of doubt and fear and powerlessness. When I recognize the lie I have been believing, it is almost like the feeling I have when I first realize I've had a nightmare...the great relief that none of the feelings and fears are true.  Light is immediately able to pore back into my soul.   With God’s help, I do have the power to change my address. 

I suspect I have blogged about all this before, but this seems to be the way life is, for me anyway. My paths come back around in a spiral to cross many of the same places I have been before.

For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

Real Beauty

Feb 2

I heard great reminders all day today that God never leaves us not forsakes us.  That He is our Refuge and our Rock, and that He does offer the Peace that passes all understanding in this crazy, unpredictable world.  I spent time with some new and old  women friends who were just busy spreading beauty (and they probably have no idea how desperate I am to recieve that kind of beauty).  The sweet thoughts, prayers and words of these women friends are life-giving.  I am breathing deep.

Mindless Chatter

Feb 4

Okay, so this will come as NO surprise to most of you…but I have GOT to be one of the world’s most uncoordinated beings. I picture myself moving gracefully, but you know, it’s just not me. I regularly trip…even in tennis shoes. I love heeled shoes, so you can see the potential problem. I have shared the story with many of you, of stepping off the curb while texting and phone flying one direction, clogs going another and my body laying flat out in yet another.


Today, I felt like I was in an old Friends episode…it just goes to show you that slapstick is funny, even when it is not scripted and being performed by a beautiful, famous starlet. I was visiting a nice clothing boutique in town, which was having a big sale. After digging through all the sale clothes upstairs, I came down to circle through the store one last time before making my purchases. I saw a precious dress (which, of course, would be a shirt for me because there is NO way I could run around, even in leggings, in a dress that short.)  I need to mention this dress was something like crochet. I also must mention that I have one of those Baggallini purses with the industrial looking zippers and hooks.  Do you see that a beautiful, delicate, crocheted dress and small purse with large zipper hardware would not make a good match? As I went to hang it back up (because it looked way better on the hanger than it did on me), the dress caught on some of the purse hardware…it didn’t just catch (which would have been bad enough), one of the clasps had sucked it in. I made a half-hearted attempt to free the dress with my hands full.  Unsure of how to juggle everything, and not tear the dress, I quickly dropped to my knees and laid the dress on the floor next to me. I am beginning to realize I am probably going to have to buy this very expensive dress and learn to love it…with a big patch where I will have to knot the torn yarn over the left shoulder area. I try to work the dress off of the clasp, but I know that even if I am successful, the dress will probably be puckered there, and I will still have to purchase it. I give a cry for help. (Do you see why this might be evolving into a Friends episode?) No one hears me, so I stand up and cry out again “I need some help!” (Oh, we used to laugh at my Gran, because as she got older she would stand in the aisle in a store and just holler out “Help!” until somebody came to answer her question or help her find what she needed . If we were anywhere nearby we would come running over, mortified, but laughing and shushing. ;-) A girl comes running over (thinking I have fallen, I’m sure). I explain to her what has happened, and tell her I need her help to get the dress unattached from my purse.  I can tell she is confused and worried that I have damaged the dress, so I assure her I will buy it if I have damaged it in any way. We both lean down toward the floor as I point toward “exhibit A” , but the dress and purse have become mysteriously unattached. They are just lying quietly on the floor next to each other. I say an inward “hallelujah!” but the girl is looking at me like I am nuts…but with that polite smile that says “I am not going to say anything, but you are nuts.” I point to where I think I see a pucker, and I ask “Can you see anything there?” She shakes her head as she continues to examine the dress at my prompting. Well she and the additional help we have attracted, cannot find anything wrong with the dress. (Whoo hoo!)  And truthfully, they were very kind about it.  I made my way to the cash register, paid for my other items and tried not to slink or hold my head down as I exited the store. You know, trying to give the appearance that this kind of thing is normal, and I am unruffled. I am pretty certain I didn’t pull that off ;-)

I won’t even give you the details of my Wal-Mart trip this same day. I am a Kroger girl, and I think the Kroger-gods were punishing me for stepping over to the dark side. I will tell you it involved me not being able to find a basket and almost ripping my new coat at the check-out.



LOL…it is so good to be home

Life's Soundtrack

There have been quite a few songs to which I listened when I was (much) younger, but for which I make my daughter change the station. Usually this doesn’t happen until after I have started singing loudly, lost in nostalgia, and I realize the lyrics I’m singing are NOT ones I want her repeating!  …so she (under orders ;-) or I quickly change the station, and she pouts…

Last night, Journey’s Lights came on.  “Your daddy and I liked this group.”  She turned it up as we were pulling into the garage at home.  We had so much fun sitting in the car, Caley and I both pretending we had microphones and Luke covering his ears.  I belted out those long-ago-learned lyrics, and there were plenty of oh oh ohs and my my mys to go around (and lots of air guitar too). 

As she ages, Caley will have her own soundtrack to go along with a lifetime of memories.  Life’s ups and downs will become cataloged according to the music of that particular time in her life—and if she is like most of us, just hearing a few chords of a particular song will immediately conjure a memory.   I love sharing my (and her daddy’s) soundtrack with her…although she will have to be much older to hear a lot of it ;-)     

East to West

I heard the Casting Crowns’ song East to West on my way home today. The words always remind me that I am not the only one who continues to struggle with strongholds I thought I was free of, and that my sin never has to be the last word.

Psalm 103:12   New International Version (NIV)
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/castingcrowns/easttowest.html

East To West lyrics
Songwriters: Hall, Mark; Herms, Bernie;

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up
Where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as
The east is from the west
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned

But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again


In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in

Today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me, You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
The east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

You know just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

Riverside Park

This morning, I woke up thinking about things even further back than high school. I woke up with a picture in my mind of my friend, Janie. We share a birthday (day and year), and her parents are long-time friends of my parents. I remember hearing the story as I was growing up, about my dad trying to call them to tell them that I had been born, only he couldn’t reach them…because they were at another hospital having their baby girl. In this mind picture, we are celebrating our birthday together at Riverside Park. I am picturing her in a terry-cloth green and yellow jumper…as I recall, I had several of those terry-cloth jumpers, and they were the way to go for early 1970s comfort in the hot, humid, South. ;-)


I remember having birthday parties at Riverside with siblings and cousins and homemade cake, and blankets spread on the grass. I remember my brother being stung on his lip more than his fair share of times by yellow jackets who desired to sip his soda at the park. I remember playing in Dead Man’s Gulley (or was it Gulch?) on the Nature Trail that ran behind the park.  I remember the water fountain, swing sets and play ground and going around and around on one of those spinning wheels (with a flat surface) kids can jump on…and getting sick when I stayed on too long. I remember the long walkway lined with shady trees.

I woke up with pieces of all these memories swirling around in my head. I think it all started with Hawaii Five-O. Thinking about my high school band made me think of my friend, William. He played drums in the band. William, is Janie’s cousin. My cousins and I spent many fun weekends (Sunday afternoons?) at Riverside Park…when it looked way different than it does now…oh, and it was FREE to get into the park then too. (Was it Dead Man’s Gulch or Gulley? Is that where we dug for fossils? Did Hal really get stung as many times as I seem to remember?) As you can tell, it is like the old song “I remember It Well” since I don’t think I have a lot of the details correct, but the very fond memories of the people and place remain. I think details are overrated anyway. ;-)