Angel Laughter

I am listening to 4 boys (ages 7 - 11)  laugh through the movie Despicable Me.  Oh, that sound brings a smile to my heart.  I think this must be how the angels in heaven sound. 

Poser

Sometimes, I feel like I am walking on water.   Why is it that whenever I am called out of the boat, I tend to scramble out as quickly as I can (okay, so sometimes I have to be pushed) ....only to be just like Peter, and sink when I take my eyes off Jesus?  I am so easily distracted from the Source of my strength and peace. BUT, I am getting better at realizing what is happening and putting my focus back where it needs to go.

I have felt like such a poser these last few days.  Fake smile, hiding resentment.  False laugh, hiding insecurity.  Fake, fake, fake.  I really dislike myself when I let me get all torqued up with the mix pride and insecurity.   Almost the minute I started my quiet time this morning, I felt a release of the ugliness.  I have been so tired the last few mornings, that I haven't really done much but try to slurp my coffee and stay awake during this sacred morning time.  In the evenings, I just chose to do other things. Why I don't fall to my knees the minute these feelings well up, I have NO idea, but I don't.

I  was recently reminded again of how fragile life is...we can make ourselves sick trying to balance it all and then it upends on us.  Wednesday, I heard of two different families facing heartache of epic proportions.  The friend who was pouring out her heart to me about these families devastated by tragedy, has her own story of trouble and heartache...but her story is also full of beauty, love, and faithfulness--God's faithfulness.   Our hearts ache for the journey these families face, but with lots of hope that, with lots of help, they will eventually move from tragedy to sharing their own story of grace, peace and healing. 

Puts all this posing in perspective...for the waste of time that it is.

Familiar

I was driving down the road yesterday, thinking about some old neighbors.  (from about 14 years ago when we still lived in Brownsville.)   I couldn't remember the wife's name, and I caught myself thinking "I will have to ask Todd."   For that one moment, everything felt so familiar...in the old familiar kind of way.  Strangely comforting.

Two Old Posts

Found these in my drafts.  

12/23/2011


New Me?

I did something very spontaneous the other day. I was commenting to a friend how "out of character" this was for me. She replied, "you have got to stop saying that. Maybe that wasn't how you used to be, but perhaps this is you now."

I thought about it. She is right. I have made a good many spontaneous decisions in the last year and a half. I can no longer say that it is "out of character." Todd would be proud!



11/21/2011 

Free

I just have to laugh at myself when I realize how seriously I take myself sometimes…and how I want to put God in a box. I get upset when I don't understand how to fit life into this box. I stomp my feet and cry and scream – all of which I have actually done this past week.

 But how awesome it is when I accept that none of it will fit inside my box…and the parts I have stored in there have pieces that are missing. Free. That's how I feel right now, free.

 I am giggling to myself because I am thinking of how trying to fit life into any kind of container is just like trying to zip up your overstuffed suitcase after you have managed to get the last item in (basking in your moment of triumph) only to look over and see another pile of things that needs to fit. Futile ;-)

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Courageous

Songwriters: HALL, JOHN MARK / WEST, MATTHEW

---------------------------------------------------

But everything inside you

knows there is more than what you've heard

And you're on fire when He's near you

…
When everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change

…
I'm standing on the edge of me…

I'm on fire when You're near me
And I'm on fire when You speak
And I'm on fire burning at these
Mysteries…

                                               On Fire
                                    Songwriters: Foreman, Jonathan; Victor, Daniel; 

I am a big Switchfoot fan, but I just found this song.

I think it is absolutely beautiful.  Close your eyes and just listen.

 

On Fire

Change of Address

“Our past does not define us, it prepares us.” I recently came back across this quote, and it speaks so clearly to where I find myself at this moment and to the hope I have that nothing is wasted in God’s economy. We humans have such a capacity to hurt, but, thankfully, God’s nature is to heal.

Someone, early on, sent me a card that has a picture of a little girl twirling outside in the sunshine and shadows. I still have it on my refrigerator, because the picture never fails to bring a smile to my heart (although sometimes it is a very weak smile), and it has been a powerful reminder that—although I could not imagine it at the time--I could dance and twirl again. Little by little, hard fought battles have been won so that I have begun to feel like that little girl on a more regular basis. The scripture verse on the inside of the card was from Psalm 35.

But let me run loose and free, celebrating God’s great work,
Every bone in my body laughing, singing,
“God there’s no one like you.”
Psalm 35:9-10 (The Message)

I still catch myself sometimes getting caught up in the victim mentality…the one where there is never any singing or dancing or twirling. The one where I live like I am powerless to make changes. I can still hear Todd speaking to me when I was upset about something with the kids and how they were behaving and feeling like a victim in my own home. (yuk! I hate to even admit that, but it is true.) He looked at me and said with firmness and love and support, “You are the momma.” I immediately knew what he meant, and I also knew he was right. I had the power to change things. So, when I have these “victim moments” about my life now, I translate “I am the momma” into “I am a beloved daughter of the King, ” which reminds me I do not have to live in a place of doubt and fear and powerlessness. When I recognize the lie I have been believing, it is almost like the feeling I have when I first realize I've had a nightmare...the great relief that none of the feelings and fears are true.  Light is immediately able to pore back into my soul.   With God’s help, I do have the power to change my address. 

I suspect I have blogged about all this before, but this seems to be the way life is, for me anyway. My paths come back around in a spiral to cross many of the same places I have been before.

For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

Real Beauty

Feb 2

I heard great reminders all day today that God never leaves us not forsakes us.  That He is our Refuge and our Rock, and that He does offer the Peace that passes all understanding in this crazy, unpredictable world.  I spent time with some new and old  women friends who were just busy spreading beauty (and they probably have no idea how desperate I am to recieve that kind of beauty).  The sweet thoughts, prayers and words of these women friends are life-giving.  I am breathing deep.

Mindless Chatter

Feb 4

Okay, so this will come as NO surprise to most of you…but I have GOT to be one of the world’s most uncoordinated beings. I picture myself moving gracefully, but you know, it’s just not me. I regularly trip…even in tennis shoes. I love heeled shoes, so you can see the potential problem. I have shared the story with many of you, of stepping off the curb while texting and phone flying one direction, clogs going another and my body laying flat out in yet another.


Today, I felt like I was in an old Friends episode…it just goes to show you that slapstick is funny, even when it is not scripted and being performed by a beautiful, famous starlet. I was visiting a nice clothing boutique in town, which was having a big sale. After digging through all the sale clothes upstairs, I came down to circle through the store one last time before making my purchases. I saw a precious dress (which, of course, would be a shirt for me because there is NO way I could run around, even in leggings, in a dress that short.)  I need to mention this dress was something like crochet. I also must mention that I have one of those Baggallini purses with the industrial looking zippers and hooks.  Do you see that a beautiful, delicate, crocheted dress and small purse with large zipper hardware would not make a good match? As I went to hang it back up (because it looked way better on the hanger than it did on me), the dress caught on some of the purse hardware…it didn’t just catch (which would have been bad enough), one of the clasps had sucked it in. I made a half-hearted attempt to free the dress with my hands full.  Unsure of how to juggle everything, and not tear the dress, I quickly dropped to my knees and laid the dress on the floor next to me. I am beginning to realize I am probably going to have to buy this very expensive dress and learn to love it…with a big patch where I will have to knot the torn yarn over the left shoulder area. I try to work the dress off of the clasp, but I know that even if I am successful, the dress will probably be puckered there, and I will still have to purchase it. I give a cry for help. (Do you see why this might be evolving into a Friends episode?) No one hears me, so I stand up and cry out again “I need some help!” (Oh, we used to laugh at my Gran, because as she got older she would stand in the aisle in a store and just holler out “Help!” until somebody came to answer her question or help her find what she needed . If we were anywhere nearby we would come running over, mortified, but laughing and shushing. ;-) A girl comes running over (thinking I have fallen, I’m sure). I explain to her what has happened, and tell her I need her help to get the dress unattached from my purse.  I can tell she is confused and worried that I have damaged the dress, so I assure her I will buy it if I have damaged it in any way. We both lean down toward the floor as I point toward “exhibit A” , but the dress and purse have become mysteriously unattached. They are just lying quietly on the floor next to each other. I say an inward “hallelujah!” but the girl is looking at me like I am nuts…but with that polite smile that says “I am not going to say anything, but you are nuts.” I point to where I think I see a pucker, and I ask “Can you see anything there?” She shakes her head as she continues to examine the dress at my prompting. Well she and the additional help we have attracted, cannot find anything wrong with the dress. (Whoo hoo!)  And truthfully, they were very kind about it.  I made my way to the cash register, paid for my other items and tried not to slink or hold my head down as I exited the store. You know, trying to give the appearance that this kind of thing is normal, and I am unruffled. I am pretty certain I didn’t pull that off ;-)

I won’t even give you the details of my Wal-Mart trip this same day. I am a Kroger girl, and I think the Kroger-gods were punishing me for stepping over to the dark side. I will tell you it involved me not being able to find a basket and almost ripping my new coat at the check-out.



LOL…it is so good to be home