(Not So) Strange

A friend sent me these two texts a few weeks ago.

"Strange isn’t it? Each man's life touches so many other lives, and when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" – Clarence in “It’s a Wonderful Life”

Todd could've played the part of George Bailey beautifully!! Such a generous man!

I sat with her words…and then I cried. The tears were all mixed up, love and grief, sweet and bitter…mostly thanksgiving for what Todd shared of himself, but of course there is still so much tenderness there.  I asked God to remind me of some of the times I got really mad at Todd, so I wouldn’t miss him so much. (Didn’t work, but it made me laugh to think it might.) 

She quickly apologized when I told her I had cried that night-- but I didn’t want her to apologize.  I agreed with her words.  I told her it would be much worse if no one ever remembered him.  I need my friends—our friends—to remember him to (with) me.  I need to cry about the good (sharing  life), the hard (sharing  life) and the bad (the loss) from time to time.  It’s cathartic.  I hope it always will be.  Strange, isn’t it?

Super (stinky) Powers

This conversation took place in my kitchen last week.
Luke to his buddy Sam:
"Would you rather fly when you fart or go invisible when you burp?" I was cooking and trying hard to look uninterested and NOT burst out laughing.  After all, this was not said to me...there was no intended audience...just two boys discussing the big issues of life.  A somewhat serious discussion followed which included the statement, "Well, I would really like to fly, but I burp a lot more than I fart so I could go invisible a lot more."

Every time I recounted this story last week, I would start laughing--tears streaming--before I could even get the first words out.  God made boy children to add laughter to all creation. I just know it. ;-)

Greaaaat Day!

Well, I got my first "hater" comment the other day...at least it is the first one I've read.  There may be more, but I just missed them ;-)   Anyway...It did make me reflect on a few things...but probably not in the way this person intended.

Jump (in thought)

Kids and I have been having a really relaxed summer.  It is almost time to get back to the grind of school and work.  I know those of you who work year round have absolutely no sympathy, so I won't ask for any!  It has really been nice though. 

Jump again

The beginning of the school year is always the reminder.  It is so hard to believe it has been almost 4 years.  A long time and a moment ago all in one.  I have no idea what I am supposed to have learned these past 4 years.  I do know we have two choices:  move forward in our circumstances (toward joy) or die (living dead).  Some days we take a step backward, but mostly my kids and I are moving forward--not because we always feel like it--but because Todd would want us to.  Even more,  I know God wants that.

I just had a happy, sweet memory come back to me.  A lot of days, we would stand in a tight circle and put all our hands in a pile in the center of us like we were some sports team and yell "Greaaaat Day!"  Todd started it probably because one or many of us had a bad attitude about something we were going to have to do or one of the kids was sad because he was leaving for work.  It was a reminder to put on a good attitude...to assume you were going to have a great day.  It never failed to leave us with smiles on our faces and giggles in our hearts.

Giving Thanks Too

Again and again, I give thanks that my children have a wide and deep net of people who love them.  I am listening to them bicker (with each other) and laugh and play outside with one friend they have known since right after Luke was born.  This friend just told them if they didn't quit arguing she wasn't going to play the game anymore ;-)

It reminds me, once again, of the blessing of family and friends who love us in life-giving ways...who we can count on to bring out the best in us by encouraging the beautiful and not indulging the ugly.   

I am thankful that God holds me accountable in the same ways.  Although He can be quite tender with my stubbornness, He never shrinks from telling me what I need to hear when I am having a fit...or when I am hurting deeply.  Always speaking truth.  He does this to bring out the best in me, even if initially, I don't want to listen. 


He who ignores discipline despises himself,
but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.
Proverbs 15:32

This next one makes me laugh because it says it like it is.  I am sorry to say I have "been there and done that" on more than one occasion.

...he who hates correction is stupid.
Proverbs 12:2

Giving Thanks

Today is Todd's birthday.  I give thanks for the man he was and the beauty and strength of him that is in my children and that I carry in my heart. 

Love and Loss

 I heard angel laghter again tonight...it sounds just like little boys laughing and enjoying life together. I heard the sound of a boy's heart breaking too.  My little boy has sobbed himself to sleep because some of his dearest friends are moving--leaving in the morning. 

As they drove off tonight, big heaving sobs from my Luke as he waved goodbye, my heart settled into that in between place...between sorrow and joy.  This family has held our family these years since Todd died--picking up the slack many times in the beginning when I had  tasks to take care of that a little boy who just lost his dad shouldn't have to tag along for, and more recently when I have had to work at night.  Sleepovers with these 3 brothers and my son have been so full of laughter that my heart breaks along with Luke's as I think of tomorrow.  And their mom has been an angel in my life.  My heart is full to the brim with love, but so heavy with the heartache of loss.  I am thankful for the blessing of friendship. We miss them already.

Our prayers are with them as they travel to join their dad and grandmother who are suffering a great and sudden loss of their own. 

Muchness Returning

I feel my "muchness" coming back...I think I must have lost it for a long while, just like Alice (in Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland).


Mad Hatter:[to Alice] You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness. (Pointing to her heart.)

Later Alice has this to say as she steps up to her role of Jabborwocky slayer:

Alice: How's *this* for muchness?

 
I am glad I am getting my "muchness" back.  Todd--and many of you-- could have told me where I'd lost it, I am sure...but your "muchness" is just something you have to find for yourself.


For me, it definitely continues to be a process and not an instantaneous return. Somedays I am "muchier" than others...but I am trending in the right direction.  ;-)