I want free-will, but I don't want to suffer any consequences from my decisions or the decisions of others... I want Him to intervene sometimes, but get angry when He tries to direct me onto a path that is best in the long-run but not immediately gratifying. I make conscious choices about what I eat and drink (putting all kinds of chemicals, too much sugar and fat,etc. into my body) and the exercise I don't get regularly and don't want my body to suffer any harm as a result.
oh, and I want my entire path to be revealed when I am not even willing to take the next step that has been made clear. I want people to “just act right” but then I don’t always “act right” myself.
I want, I want, I want...
Irony. To be truly free, I must re-gift the gift..to the Giver (no less) -- returning the gift to Him and allowing Him to change "my wants" into a desire for "His wants." Then one really cool part of all this is that I become part of the healing of this world instead of part of its destruction...because I become aware I've been redeemed when it seems I was beyond redemption, loved when I have been so unlovely, forgiven for seemingly unforgivable acts. When I keep these things in mind, I am much better able to extend grace and mercy instead of anger as a response to the hurt and pain that try to be so in-your-face at times.
I am able to see myself in the ugliness of the world--not in condemnation but in honest appraisal. Recognizing that truly, by the grace of God, I am not condemned and haunted by the ugliness inside me. I am free to get back up, let myself be dusted off, and start fresh--taking with me the lessons (often) hard-learned. May you trust in Him, to extend a loving hand, dust you off, and help you back on your feet for tomorrow.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Teetering
This is a post from last week...
The last few days I have been teetering on the edge of self-pity, which is such a joke because I have also had moments of total peace and joy and contentment. I recently had eye surgery, and that afternoon as I was lying on the couch listening to kids play in the pool was one of those moments. My girlfriend who accompanied me to my appointment was there. The girlfriend who watched my kids that morning was there and playing in the pool with her kids, my kids and my other friend’s kids. My girlfriend who frequently ferries my children to meet my in-laws was there (picking up my children so they could spend the weekend with Todd’s family while I recuperated)…all these women and children I love were here at my home accompanied by a soundtrack of laughter from these precious kids…and I was completely full with an awareness of how very blessed I am. I mean COMPLETELY full.
Later this weekend, I cried because I was washed over by feelings of loss. Last week, while vacationing with my brother and his family I had several similar moments. Of course, there were mostly happy and content moments. My kids rode every roller coaster in the amusement park we visited…a pleasure they definitely inherited from Todd and not me! Hal taught the kids how to skip stones in Lake Michigan. Something I remember my daddy teaching me on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. So with every beautiful moment there comes the choice to lament Todd not being here or to celebrate that there are others who want to sow into my children’s lives. I have no doubt what Todd would tell me to do. But I will continue to do both, because I honestly don’t know any other way.
The problem comes when I want to allow the ache for him to take over as I sink down into self-pity because of these feelings. Why at certain times is the blanket of self-pity and sadness so appealing when I know it only leads to destruction? I want to swim in the ocean of my blessings instead of sitting on the shore only mourning what our family has lost. I guess there are times when I swim and times when I put my feet down to feel the sand beneath. I think that is okay…I just don’t want to find myself camping far inland…away from fresh water (Lake Michigan, remember) and cool breezes and life. Of course the shore is accompanied by sharp rocks and very cold water…very interesting that all this beauty comes wrapped with many different textures, huh? Coincidence?…I think not ;-)
Today I am full of thankfulness for all the men who are poring themselves into my children’s lives. These men are not taking Todd’s place but stepping up to help fill in the gap left by his absence. There are so many family members and friends who are forming a web of life around my children. And I am truly thankful.
The last few days I have been teetering on the edge of self-pity, which is such a joke because I have also had moments of total peace and joy and contentment. I recently had eye surgery, and that afternoon as I was lying on the couch listening to kids play in the pool was one of those moments. My girlfriend who accompanied me to my appointment was there. The girlfriend who watched my kids that morning was there and playing in the pool with her kids, my kids and my other friend’s kids. My girlfriend who frequently ferries my children to meet my in-laws was there (picking up my children so they could spend the weekend with Todd’s family while I recuperated)…all these women and children I love were here at my home accompanied by a soundtrack of laughter from these precious kids…and I was completely full with an awareness of how very blessed I am. I mean COMPLETELY full.
Later this weekend, I cried because I was washed over by feelings of loss. Last week, while vacationing with my brother and his family I had several similar moments. Of course, there were mostly happy and content moments. My kids rode every roller coaster in the amusement park we visited…a pleasure they definitely inherited from Todd and not me! Hal taught the kids how to skip stones in Lake Michigan. Something I remember my daddy teaching me on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. So with every beautiful moment there comes the choice to lament Todd not being here or to celebrate that there are others who want to sow into my children’s lives. I have no doubt what Todd would tell me to do. But I will continue to do both, because I honestly don’t know any other way.
The problem comes when I want to allow the ache for him to take over as I sink down into self-pity because of these feelings. Why at certain times is the blanket of self-pity and sadness so appealing when I know it only leads to destruction? I want to swim in the ocean of my blessings instead of sitting on the shore only mourning what our family has lost. I guess there are times when I swim and times when I put my feet down to feel the sand beneath. I think that is okay…I just don’t want to find myself camping far inland…away from fresh water (Lake Michigan, remember) and cool breezes and life. Of course the shore is accompanied by sharp rocks and very cold water…very interesting that all this beauty comes wrapped with many different textures, huh? Coincidence?…I think not ;-)
Today I am full of thankfulness for all the men who are poring themselves into my children’s lives. These men are not taking Todd’s place but stepping up to help fill in the gap left by his absence. There are so many family members and friends who are forming a web of life around my children. And I am truly thankful.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Just Sayin...
In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
John 1:4
I am not sure why I wrote the details I did in the post "Held" but I think I just needed to write them out that day. Most of you already knew them because you sort of lived it along side me. I never want to convey the impression that I think I have suffered any more than anyone else.
I say this because I frequently hear statements from others who belittle their own grief and loss in comparison to mine, and it really frustrates me. (Of course, I have done this myself too.) There is no ranking extreme grief and loss...it is just plain hard no matter how it comes. There is not one of you who reads this who has not been cut to the heart by your own tragedy and loss... maybe it has come through death or lost health, personal assault through violence, the painful break up of your family from divorce, or countless other ways someone experiences it every minute of every day.
I hope this blog is encouraging to those who read it...not showcasing "how pitiful" or "how brave" or *whatever* I am. But how good God is. His Light does shine in the darkness. I am nobody special in this world, but in God's kingdom, I am His beloved child whom He does not abandon (even when I turn my back or throw a fit). And I am praying you know that you are too.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Held
I was listening to Natalie Grant’s song, Held, this morning. Really listening. I have heard this song many times (I own the CD), but this morning I was just struck by its truth. We want God to change our circumstances—and sometimes He does—but His promise is that we will always be held in the midst of all our circumstances…even (or especially) during the worst of circumstances.
The words to this song start out mourning the death of a child. As a parent, I cannot really even wrap my mind around a loss so great. But I do know about what it’s like to watch your beloved husband shot just feet from you, know the gunman was going to shoot you (and he does), and then hear the gunman go inside your home and hear him shoot his own daughter…and be the only survivor of all that awful, wasteful violence. I know what it’s like to know you should be thankful that you are alive to raise your precious children…that they have not been left orphans, but to want to just curl up in a ball and die yourself. I know what it is like to desperately want to change places with your dead spouse. I know what it’s like to want to rewind the clock and get a “do over.” But we can’t and we won’t, and we will never have explanations as to “why” that will satisfy. “It is what it is”…and we have to move forward whether we like it or not…or the darkness really does win.
I know all about that darkness, but I also know—and this is the most important thing I know-- that God really does hold us during these horrific times. I know if He holds me, then He holds each of us.
In my mind, Todd and S.N. are surrounded by Light and Love. They are not encased in darkness. This is my perception, and I believe it is only possible because most (certainly not all) days I am able to acknowledge I am being Held.
HELD
Songwriters: WELLS, CHRISTA NICHOLE
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/natalie_grant/held.html ]
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
The words to this song start out mourning the death of a child. As a parent, I cannot really even wrap my mind around a loss so great. But I do know about what it’s like to watch your beloved husband shot just feet from you, know the gunman was going to shoot you (and he does), and then hear the gunman go inside your home and hear him shoot his own daughter…and be the only survivor of all that awful, wasteful violence. I know what it’s like to know you should be thankful that you are alive to raise your precious children…that they have not been left orphans, but to want to just curl up in a ball and die yourself. I know what it is like to desperately want to change places with your dead spouse. I know what it’s like to want to rewind the clock and get a “do over.” But we can’t and we won’t, and we will never have explanations as to “why” that will satisfy. “It is what it is”…and we have to move forward whether we like it or not…or the darkness really does win.
I know all about that darkness, but I also know—and this is the most important thing I know-- that God really does hold us during these horrific times. I know if He holds me, then He holds each of us.
In my mind, Todd and S.N. are surrounded by Light and Love. They are not encased in darkness. This is my perception, and I believe it is only possible because most (certainly not all) days I am able to acknowledge I am being Held.
HELD
Songwriters: WELLS, CHRISTA NICHOLE
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/natalie_grant/held.html ]
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Go, Lucy, Go!
My heart is soaring for the gift this family has received. Go, Lucy, Go!!! (and Kate, and Eric and Ella and Jack!) The road ahead is still unclear, but they are choosing to savor the beauty of this day--and take the next step in faith that the step after will be revealed as they continue to put one foot in front of the other.
As our family is well aware, not one of us knows the exact number of our days. It is important to me that my children and I be mindful to live the day we have, not the day we wish we had. Some days this is difficult beyond imagination. In allowing us to share in part of their journey, the Krull's inspire me to strive to live each of my days giving thanks, savoring the beautiful (in its many forms) and not just prayerfully seeking, but actually taking, the next step that is laid before me. Go, Lucy, Go. Your zest for life and your family's faithfulness continue to inspire and encourage a host of people you will never meet.
They are the shoot I have planted,
the work of my hands,
for the display of my splendor.
Isaiah 60:21b
As our family is well aware, not one of us knows the exact number of our days. It is important to me that my children and I be mindful to live the day we have, not the day we wish we had. Some days this is difficult beyond imagination. In allowing us to share in part of their journey, the Krull's inspire me to strive to live each of my days giving thanks, savoring the beautiful (in its many forms) and not just prayerfully seeking, but actually taking, the next step that is laid before me. Go, Lucy, Go. Your zest for life and your family's faithfulness continue to inspire and encourage a host of people you will never meet.
They are the shoot I have planted,
the work of my hands,
for the display of my splendor.
Isaiah 60:21b
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Lucy's Smile
Lucy continues to improve! If you have been following her mom's blog, then I am sure you are already rejoicing with me! If the pictures of this precious girl and her siblings don't make you smile big, then you are way past curmudgeon.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Choice
This is a loooooong and windy post. It is really almost two or three separate posts, but to me they are connected by the fact that fear of negative consequences is not why God wants us to choose Life with Him.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love, because he first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19
I was reading the story of the rich man and the beggar this morning. (Luke 16:19-31) I am always struck by the fact that the rich man still wants Lazarus (the beggar) to serve him even in death. The second thing I always ponder after reading this passage is if the rich man had truly allowed a change in his heart, instead of only expressing regret for being “caught out,”, then there would have been no chasm. (btw I don’t take this to mean a physical chasm, but a “heart-state” chasm in which the two opposing heart-attitudes cannot possibly coexist or have any meaningful exchange.) The rich man’s response indicates he is not concerned about his brothers recognizing God’s authority in their lives and receiving the Great Love that He offers but just hoping to help them avoid torment...big difference. To me this confirms he is not sorry for his sin (of ignoring the needs of others) and the pain it caused, but only sorry he is in agony…big difference. The rich man does not bow to God’s authority, submitting to His Great Love…he only acknowledges that the torment is really bad.
I love the imagery of heaven and hell in CS Lewis’s The Great Divorce. He paints a picture of choice even after death…people being willing to work toward fully receiving the Great Love of God or choosing to remain separated from this Love—but always the bus travels back and forth between the two places for its riders. One of the reasons I like this book is because it speaks of the hope of reconciliation even after physical death. I am not a Biblical Scholar by any stretch of the imagination, and I am quite sure that many could quote particular scripture to support the view that all choice ends at physical death. There is so much I do not understand, but as I read the totality of the Love Story that God’s Word is speaking to us—and the more I learn about the context in which each book was written-- I am reminded over and over that His Ways are not our ways, and that He acknowledges, in both Old Testament and New, that He speaks to us in parables and that His greatest desire is to reconcile all creation to Himself…but the choice is always ours…and He patiently (yet actively) waits. So it is not too much of a stretch for me to see the choice as continuing beyond our physical death. I picture in my mind, Jesus, greeting each person as physical life passes from their physical body…some who, by our earthly standards, did not believe or call on Him by name will immediately recognize Him and joyfully submit (voluntarily yield) and run to Him to be immersed in His Love. Some who, by our earthly standards, seem to know Him well, will be unwilling to submit (voluntarily yield) to His authority--as it truly is and not as they have determined it should be--and receive His joy.
“This life is not for the body, it is for the soul, and man too often chooses the way of life that best suits the body. Not the way that best suits the soul.” God Calling (edited by AJ Russell), June 8 entry
“…I have set before you life and death…Now chose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life…” Deuteronomy 30:19-20
Being a good parent requires that we expect obedience from our children. Growing up, my mother always told me that parents who let their children do anything they wanted without (ever suffering negative) consequences did not really love their children. Even as a child I knew there was truth in this. Now that I am a parent myself, I get the other piece of obedience-- that part of us that desires our children’s obedience come as a response to our love for them and not as result of what they will “get” or avoid getting. Providing positive and allowing negative consequences is necessary to help children learn to make right choices and to provide a fence, of sorts, to keep them safe…but the fact that consequences are necessary to help us learn speaks to our selfish (sin) nature! LOL, I know I am not the only parent who wants to instill in my children that the decisions I make are from the standpoint of my great love for them…and they must accept that these decisions will not always make sense to them. How awesome it would be if they could accept this joyfully—perhaps a little Stepfordish, but awesome nonetheless ;-)—but I am just working toward acceptance…perhaps resignation? Children are very astute, but we know they simply do not have the capacity to adequately understand or foresee the natural consequences of much of their behavior…and none of us likes to hear the word “no.” But as parents, “no” we must say on a regular basis. I do look at ways to say “yes,” but it is sometimes hard work!
These ponderings come from my own struggle right now to parent my children in life-giving ways--ways that will provide the best foundation for a life worth living—and knowing that I will forever fall short of the mark of perfection. Heck, even though I know from experience that my greatest joy comes when I give of myself, I still act foolishly and selfishly on a regular basis. It all leaves me feeling a bit like the “blind leading the blind.” Of course, this dilemma brings me back full-circle to the fact that I still need a Parent to Parent me. I am so thankful that I have One.
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