Love and Loss

 I heard angel laghter again tonight...it sounds just like little boys laughing and enjoying life together. I heard the sound of a boy's heart breaking too.  My little boy has sobbed himself to sleep because some of his dearest friends are moving--leaving in the morning. 

As they drove off tonight, big heaving sobs from my Luke as he waved goodbye, my heart settled into that in between place...between sorrow and joy.  This family has held our family these years since Todd died--picking up the slack many times in the beginning when I had  tasks to take care of that a little boy who just lost his dad shouldn't have to tag along for, and more recently when I have had to work at night.  Sleepovers with these 3 brothers and my son have been so full of laughter that my heart breaks along with Luke's as I think of tomorrow.  And their mom has been an angel in my life.  My heart is full to the brim with love, but so heavy with the heartache of loss.  I am thankful for the blessing of friendship. We miss them already.

Our prayers are with them as they travel to join their dad and grandmother who are suffering a great and sudden loss of their own. 

Muchness Returning

I feel my "muchness" coming back...I think I must have lost it for a long while, just like Alice (in Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland).


Mad Hatter:[to Alice] You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness. (Pointing to her heart.)

Later Alice has this to say as she steps up to her role of Jabborwocky slayer:

Alice: How's *this* for muchness?

 
I am glad I am getting my "muchness" back.  Todd--and many of you-- could have told me where I'd lost it, I am sure...but your "muchness" is just something you have to find for yourself.


For me, it definitely continues to be a process and not an instantaneous return. Somedays I am "muchier" than others...but I am trending in the right direction.  ;-)

Oceans

PS22 NYC. 

 
Absolutely Beautiful! 


Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Through the Valley, 2

Song of Solomon which I linked in the last post has ministered to my heart in ways I can't fully articulate.  I  listened to the melody for several weeks, and thought that was quite beautiful, but it wasn't until I really paid attention to the words that I was totally overtaken by it...crying (sometimes very hard)  almost every time I replayed it.  But the tears aren't sad and despairing ones. They are more a mixture of sorrow and trust, and they come because the words so accurately reflect my heart's cry and  my desire to know the Lover of my spirit and soul responds exactly as these words depict.  In some unexplainable way, I am so very encouraged every time I hear it.

Through The Valleys

God's love for us never fails.  Even as the enemy of our soul rejoices as we walk through those dark valleys, the  Lover of our soul holds us til it is light.



Song of Solomon by Jesus Culture





Over the mountains, over the sea
Here You come running, my Lover to me


When I feel the cold of winter
In this cloak of sadness, I need You
Oh the evil things that shake me
All the words that break me I need You


Over the mountains, over the sea
Here You come running, my Lover to me


Do not hide me from Your presence
Pull me from these shadows, I need You
Beauty wrap Your arms around me
Sing Your song of courage, I need You


Over the mountains, over the sea
Here You come running, my Lover to me
Oh, through the valleys, through the dark of night
Here You come running, to hold me till it's light


I'll come running, I'll come running, I'll come running back to You

Laughter

I participated willingly in a new discipline this week...actually twice.  I started at a prompting I felt deep inside...as this is a discipline I have never embraced--ever.  I have done it before, but always with a bit of a bad attitude.  Anyway...I felt prompted for several days in a row...maybe even a period of weeks...before I succumbed to what, I believe, was Divine prompting. I am not going to share the specifics because I tend toward pride, and I think sharing details would open me up to patting myself on the back with "atta girl" and before you know it, I would be leaving God totally out of the equation.

So many people I love seem to be suffering greatly--particularly in relation to their children.  I have railed at God, off and on during the past months, about WHY is everything so difficult?   Why is there SO MUCH PAIN in this world in general, and in family relationships in particular?  My heart is so heavy as I think of all the families I know that are affected by extreme circumstances at this moment. 

As I mentioned, I began this discipline because I felt prompted,  and I thought it was a way to engage in prayer for one family in particular.  But what I didn't realize was how it would affect me.  I felt so close and loved by my Creator during the days I did this.  I was able to maintain a joyful interior, which, I am ashamed to say, has not been my norm lately.  But the amazing thing was that the very next day I had the first belly laugh I have had in 6 or 7 weeks.  I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks.  I was actually laughing at myself (no surprise, huh?).  I have such a knack for putting my foot in my mouth.  Oh, I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I said something REALLY stupid, and thankfully there was someone there to call me on it.  I was trying to compliment someone who wasn't there, but it could easily have been interpreted as an insult to someone who was there.  A third person present recognized this and made a joke....and that is how it all started.  Two hours later I was still laughing.  Now you may not think much of that, but I haven't really laughed or even smiled deeply for quite some time.  It felt so good to let those flood gates down.  It wasn't until I thought about it the next day, that I connected the dots.  What a gift this was.  Thank you, God.

Friendship

The shirt I have on is just a few months shy of 30 years old.  It is a long sleeve t-shirt from the first spring formal I went to with Todd.  (You know, in college, you have to have a t-shirt for everything.)  My college roommate was visiting this weekend, and I put it on without thinking.  She burst out laughing when she saw it, saying "You still have that!?"  She is a friend of 30+ years...so she remembers these things.    Can you believe I still have (and wear--around the house, of course) a 30 year-old shirt?  It just plain shocked me when she said that number.  30 years.  Wow.  30 years sounds so long, but to have lived it seems like almost a blink. 
30 years ago, Todd and I began dating on February 23.  Wow.  It has been 3 1/2 years since his death.  Those years seem long.  How can 30 have gone by so fast?

I met a new friend for coffee the other day.  Our friendship really only spans about 1 1/2 years, so I call that pretty new.  She seems like an old friend though.  Anyway...we were talking about friendships we have with people we rarely see.  Friendships where the connection is so deep that it stands separate from time.    You plop right down into them and they nourish you no matter how long it has been since you've seen them--no matter what life events have happened during the season of geographical and verbal separation...no awkwardness, just encouragement and nurturing. 

I was getting ready to end this post with some smarmy line about hoping your life was scandalously full of these kind of friendships, when I realized that these relationships always have a cost.  I know some who choose not to reach out and form new friendships because, to them, the cost is just not worth it.  You don't get to the  "deep connections separate from time" without experiencing life together.  Every life-long friend I have has seen me through bad times as well as good.  Honestly, I am kind of amazed I have any left after they had to walk with me after Todd's death.  But they stuck around, and  I am very thankful.  Currently there is pain and grief in large doses for many of these dear friends.  I am praying they know God holds them close (and will continue to hold them until it is light), and I am praying He will use me in their lives the same way He has used them in mine.