Thursday, October 28, 2010

Another’s Story

Here is part of an email a friend sent me last week. She is one who recently got more bad news in the form of test results…her husband was given 6 months to live 6 years ago, and these years have been a roller coaster ride from hell. I asked her permission to share this email because… well, I am just so amazed how she shows up for life everyday in the midst of all this when I know there are many days she would just like to stay in bed with the covers pulled up over her head. My friend is in a very dark time. She longs to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but she doesn't—she hasn't given up hope that she will, and some part of her knows that it is there whether she sees it or not.



Hang onto the promise of joy coming in the morning...sorrow only lasts for a night. However in the midst of it, it seems the sun will never rise again. That is where I am sitting now and I hate it. ... Our choice is in how we respond which leads to that internal war between world and God. Nothing with Christian beliefs fits our world. Have you noticed that? Looking at the fall colors...beautiful, yet they are dying. I don't understand too much right now.

We found out last week ( husband's) cancer is in his bones. Did a radiation treatment to try to alleviate pain. Made him sick. Walking with him through this has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I don't have the answers, but I am finding grace. Learning the meaning of dying to self and giving myself to another...hating every minute of it for the most part of it, yet I would have it no other way. Already lost so much, yet so much more to go.


We enter this sacred ground with God...we learn to just love one accept the yuck and share our hope. I love the story of the velveteen bunny. He sacrificed everything just for the chance to be be real. There he found his joy. How I long to be real with others but find it so difficult.

I feel so alone most of the time in dealing with his illness and probable death, perhaps as you have faced. Our situations are not the same, but they are similar. I relate to the feelings of knowing you have to go on living when inside you feel dead quite often. Questioning God's promises for a hope and a future, if He really is strong enough to handle all my junk, and then being awed at His grace and mercy. I am in a time of searching, drawing near to God and trying to do so with a few friends.


To all my friends who feel they are sitting alone in the dark…I love you.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Overall I am doing very well. However, I have noticed lately that Sundays have become more difficult to get through. I think maybe it is just one more part of moving on and into life. In the past, Sundays have not been any more difficult than any other day. I think they are beginning to stand out because I am moving out of numbness into life. I generally wake up okay, but it seems as the day progresses a heaviness envelops me, and I begin to think about that Sunday when the world turned upside down. I really do think this is just another step toward healing and wholeness, but I sure wish there could be another way to climb out of the pit...but for me, I don't think there is. So I am trying to say, that ultimately, this should be a good thing if I deal with it...then I guess I'll be ready for the next challenge--whatever it may be.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

(Not So Nice) Surprise

It always surprises me how I can be moving forward fairly consistently and then from out of nowhere, it seems, I get knocked on my backside.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Leaning, Trusting, Calling

You said to lean on Your arm,
And I am leaning.
You said to trust in Your love,
And I am trusting.
You said to call on Your name,
And I am calling.
I am stepping out on Your word.

Maya Angelou

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Grieving with Others

Tonight I am mourning with and for several dear friends who are having their own experience with the "valley of the shadow of death." Today I learned that three different families I adore are dealing with test results that indicate serious conditions for children or spouse…and another family in my community is going through the agony of losing a child under extremely tragic circumstances. I do not have any answers, but I grieve alongside them--all the mommas of these families are precious to me. I wish that I could ease their pain in some way, but all I can do is sit with them in this nightmare and help with logistics of caring for them and their families.

Be merciful to me O LORD, for I am in distress;

my eyes grow weak with sorrow,

my soul and body with grief.

Psalm 31:9

I can remember wanting to shut out the pain…except the emotional and physical pain in your chest (your entire body) is so great that you can't even begin to shut it felt like I was being gutted with a sharp knife or set adrift in a very dark sea. I know that at least one (if not all) of these families is probably feeling that way tonight. I pray all these mommas/families will hold on as best they can and allow others to hold and care for them while they are unable (and perhaps have no desire) to care for themselves.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Sweet Dreams

The last two weeks I have slept well at least 3 or 4 nights out of the week. I have crazy dreams when I sleep that long, and often I feel more tired after a "good" nights sleep (what's up with that?), but I think this must mean good things over all. Last night I even had a dream where I ate a chocolate covered cherry and could actually taste it in my dream. Yes, in the dream I was on one of the annual girlfriend trips...we eat a lot of junk on those trips...

Anyway, I think these changes must signal a new healing phase for me. I am grateful.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Another Good Laugh

Need a good laugh? I got another good one at my own expense just a little while ago...and I will even share this one. Currently it is 3:30 a.m., but it all started about an hour ago...

It was very quiet in the house (it is the middle of the night after all), and I was reading in the living room. I heard a beeping/chirping, and I thought to myself "of course the battery on the smoke detector ALWAYS needs replacing at 3 a.m. I got my replacement 9V, and studied the situation...because OF COURSE the chirping was in the living room...and that smoke detector is at the tippy top of the vaulted ceiling. I went out to the garage and got my 8-ft ladder (which I was very thankful I had), dust busted off all the spider webs, and set it up as close as I could get to the smoke detector (did I mention that this detector is mounted over a fireplace that is not yet installed...and that said fireplace wobbles a bit because it is not attached to anything??) I was not sure I would even be able to reach it, and I was a (wee) bit concerned that I would topple off the ladder if I had to stand on my tip toes. In preparation for my adventure, I removed all the Willow Tree figurines and pictures displayed on the (somewhat wobbly) fireplace and moved the (glass topped) coffee table. I did decide to study the smoke detector in the hallway before climbing up on the ladder, and the battery replacement looked pretty easy to manage. I was able to reach the detector and replace the battery (by my fingertips). As I was crawling back down the ladder, congratulating myself on this accomplishment, I heard the chirp again. I looked up at the detector very confused. Did I need to reset it or something? So I went to study the hallway detector again...all the while the beeping/chirping continues. I tested the hallway detector by pressing where it said "push and hold to test, push to hush" It went off when I pressed and held it, wouldn't "hush" when I pushed it again. This probably lasted less than 30 seconds, but when you are right next to an alarm going off (throughout the entire house) and trying to figure out WHY it won't stop when you are following the directions...well, I am sure you understand if I let several expletives fly. I honestly don't remember how I got it to stop, but I don't think it had anything to do with the directions. I was beginning to feel a little like (no, A LOT) like Phoebe in that "Friends" episode where she can't get her smoke detector to stop chirping and finally rips it off the wall and sends it down the garbage shoot (still beeping, I think). The chirping in the living room continues...and my children have slept through the "whole house alarm" during the testing phase of this experiment. (Those you-tube videos were telling the truth about kids sleeping through these...not comforting at all.)
I cannot find the manuals nor can I identify the manufacturer of these detectors (even upon close inspection...I will look again when I am not so rattled.) so I am unsure how helpful an Internet search will be, but I decide to try it (after I have already texted to see if anyone who might be able to advise me is awake...they weren't and I in retrospect I am sooooo thankful for that...I was grasping at straws, hoping that others were knowledgeable about some commonly known "trick" to try ;-). Well my generic search for "beeping smoke detector" yields some possibilities. I go out to the circuit box and turn off the breaker for the living room (why didn't I think of that? rhetorical question only--there is absolutely NO reason for anyone to answer that) I come back in, and it still beeping...I turn off the breaker to the attic (thinking maybe its wired through there)...come back in--still beeping. I have absolutely NO clue what else to try at this point, when a little light bulb dings in my head, and I think...could the beeping be coming from the carbon monoxide detector? (which I just remember we even have but all of a sudden seem to vaguely recall seeing on top of the fireplace as I moved the figurines and pictures earlier) I went cautiously toward the fireplace, and there laying flat on top of the fireplace (and VERY easy to reach) was the true source of the beeping/chirping noise which had cost me my sanity for the last 45 minutes. I am so glad God has gifted me with a sense of humor. I am still laughing, and I will almost bet you are too. Now I just have to get the 8 ft ladder out of my living room before my little boy gets up and wants to play on it.