Sunday, November 28, 2010

Joyful Song

I sense God has put a new song inside me. This song is full of love and laughter and suffering and sadness...but it is woven into a joyful song, nonetheless. I can't explain it--it just is.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

New Beginnings

I have had a few days of feeling really alive for the first time in a year and some months. I don't think I can really explain it since it's not happening on an intellectual level. I just realized that I have been fully present with my children in the morning and evenings. I don't think I knew that I hadn't been (fully present with them) before--almost like emerging from a fog...but that's not quite right. I like it. I don't mean everything is peachy--it just seems real and true. Thank you, God.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Walking With

My friend's husband died Thursday evening. He was able to be at home with hospice care (wonderful people)...but that last day and a half was extremely difficult from what I understand. You would think that I would be prepared to "minister" to my sweet friend because of my experiences...and yes, I think probably seeing that the kids and I are doing well is some hope and encouragement to her and her children, but I still don't have any magic words or actions to make the nightmare go away or to speed up the journey through these darkest of nights. Everyone is different in how they deal with their grief...what I learned in my journey does have some universal properties, but I have also witnessed how each of us has our own way of handling things.

As she and I sat there in her kitchen later that Thursday night, I still talked too much and listened too little--even though I know better--the desire to help the nightmare end seems to force unnecessary words to flow forth--but the bottom line is I can't do a thing really except sit in the ditch with her--letting her know that, as she is ready, I am here to be an ear...not a mouth full of advice, but an ear to listen.

I know I cannot walk through the dark night for anyone...or hurry them through to the other side--but I can walk (quietly) with--using my God-given gifts and abilities to care (as my family and friends continue to do for me) as I accompany them on *their* journey...trying not to confuse their journey with my own.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I wish for everyone cousins to grow up with. Todd and I both had very fond memories of long summer days spent with cousins. My cousins and I always joked that we wanted to all end up at the same "old folks home" together...then we decided we had better own it or we would surely get kicked out. Their rich, deep laughter and beautiful smiles come to mind whenever I think of mine.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Flying Time

I cannot believe it is November 1st already. It really seems like somehow it should still be September. I don't want to turn back the clock because I don't want to lose any of the ground I have gained in the past few months--but I do wonder how the time marched on the calendar without me really noticing.

I just deleted a long paragraph about Thanksgiving and Christmas because the words seemed so sad and defeated...I am going to try very hard during late November and December not to wallow in the loss...but to celebrate life. I just haven't quite figured out how I'll do that. Have to get back to you.

On an up note. I heard from two of my cousins whom I haven't talked with in quite some time. They can always make me smile when I think about them. We had such fun growing up together. I can remember thinking as we drove away from their home one Thanksgiving when I was in high school or college "God, no matter what happens in my life, don't let me forget what a great family I have and how content I feel right now. Thank You." I guess I need to spend some time appreciating the many moments that spawned that long ago prayer.