Monday, July 9, 2012

Teetering

This is a post from last week...  

The last few days I have been teetering on the edge of self-pity, which is such a joke because I have also had moments of total peace and joy and contentment. I recently had eye surgery, and that afternoon as I was lying on the couch listening to kids play in the pool was one of those moments. My girlfriend who accompanied me to my appointment was there. The girlfriend who watched my kids that morning was there and playing in the pool with her kids, my kids and my other friend’s kids. My girlfriend who frequently ferries my children to meet my in-laws was there (picking up my children so they could spend the weekend with Todd’s family while I recuperated)…all these women and children I love were here at my home accompanied by a soundtrack of  laughter from these precious kids…and I was completely full with an awareness of how very blessed I am. I mean COMPLETELY full.

Later this weekend, I cried because I was washed over by feelings of loss. Last week, while vacationing with my brother and his family I had several similar moments. Of course, there were mostly happy and content moments. My kids rode every roller coaster in the amusement park we visited…a pleasure they definitely inherited from Todd and not me! Hal taught the kids how to skip stones in Lake Michigan. Something I remember my daddy teaching me on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.  So with every beautiful moment there comes the choice to lament Todd not being here or to celebrate that there are others who want to sow into my children’s lives. I have no doubt what Todd would tell me to do. But I will continue to do both, because I honestly don’t know any other way.

The problem comes when I want to allow the ache for him to take over as I sink down into self-pity because of these feelings. Why at certain times is the blanket of self-pity and sadness so appealing when I know it only leads to destruction? I want to swim in the ocean of my blessings instead of sitting on the shore only mourning what our family has lost. I guess there are times when I swim and times when I put my feet down to feel the sand beneath. I think that is okay…I just don’t want to find myself camping far inland…away from fresh water (Lake Michigan, remember) and cool breezes and life. Of course the shore is accompanied by sharp rocks and very cold water…very interesting that all this beauty comes wrapped with many different textures, huh? Coincidence?…I think not ;-)

Today I am full of thankfulness for all the men who are poring themselves into my children’s lives. These men are not taking Todd’s place but stepping up to help fill in the gap left by his absence. There are so many family members and friends who are forming a web of life around my children. And I am truly thankful.



Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Just Sayin...


In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
John 1:4

I am not sure why I wrote the details I did in the post "Held" but I think I just needed to write them out that day.  Most of you already knew them because you sort of lived it along side me.  I never want to convey the impression that I think I have suffered any more than anyone else. 

I say this because I frequently hear statements from others who belittle their own grief and loss in comparison to mine, and it really frustrates me.  (Of course, I have done this myself too.) There is no ranking extreme grief and loss...it is just plain hard no matter how it comes. There is not one of you who reads this who has not been cut to the heart by your own tragedy and loss... maybe it has come through death or lost health, personal assault through violence, the painful break up of your family from divorce, or countless other ways someone experiences it every minute of every day.

I hope this blog is encouraging to those who read it...not showcasing "how pitiful" or "how brave" or *whatever* I am.   But how good God is.  His Light does shine in the darkness.  I am nobody special in this world, but in God's kingdom, I am His beloved child whom He does not abandon (even when I turn my back or throw a fit).  And I am praying you know that you are too. 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Held

I was listening to Natalie Grant’s song, Held, this morning. Really listening. I have heard this song many times (I own the CD), but this morning I was just struck by its truth. We want God to change our circumstances—and sometimes He does—but His promise is that we will always be held in the midst of all our circumstances…even (or especially) during the worst of circumstances.

The words to this song start out mourning the death of a child. As a parent, I cannot really even wrap my mind around a loss so great. But I do know about what it’s like to watch your beloved husband shot just feet from you, know the gunman was going to shoot you (and he does), and then hear the gunman go inside your home and hear him shoot his own daughter…and be the only survivor of all that awful, wasteful violence. I know what it’s like to know you should be thankful that you are alive to raise your precious children…that they have not been left orphans, but to want to just curl up in a ball and die yourself. I know what it is like to desperately want to change places with your dead spouse. I know what it’s like to want to rewind the clock and get a “do over.” But we can’t and we won’t, and we will never have explanations as to “why” that will satisfy. “It is what it is”…and we have to move forward whether we like it or not…or the darkness really does win.

I know all about that darkness, but I also know—and this is the most important thing I know-- that God really does hold us during these horrific times.  I know if He holds me, then He holds each of us. 

In my mind, Todd and S.N. are surrounded by Light and Love. They are not encased in darkness. This is my perception, and I believe it is only possible because most (certainly not all) days I am able to acknowledge I am being Held.



HELD

Songwriters: WELLS, CHRISTA NICHOLE


Two months is too little.

They let him go.

They had no sudden healing.

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling.



Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.



Chorus:

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/natalie_grant/held.html ]

This hand is bitterness.

We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.



(Chorus)

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.



Bridge:

If hope is born of suffering.

If this is only the beginning.

Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?



(Chorus)

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held

This is what it means to be held.