This is a post from last week...
The last few days I have been teetering on the edge of self-pity, which is such a joke because I have also had moments of total peace and joy and contentment. I recently had eye surgery, and that afternoon as I was lying on the couch listening to kids play in the pool was one of those moments. My girlfriend who accompanied me to my appointment was there. The girlfriend who watched my kids that morning was there and playing in the pool with her kids, my kids and my other friend’s kids. My girlfriend who frequently ferries my children to meet my in-laws was there (picking up my children so they could spend the weekend with Todd’s family while I recuperated)…all these women and children I love were here at my home accompanied by a soundtrack of laughter from these precious kids…and I was completely full with an awareness of how very blessed I am. I mean COMPLETELY full.
Later this weekend, I cried because I was washed over by feelings of loss. Last week, while vacationing with my brother and his family I had several similar moments. Of course, there were mostly happy and content moments. My kids rode every roller coaster in the amusement park we visited…a pleasure they definitely inherited from Todd and not me! Hal taught the kids how to skip stones in Lake Michigan. Something I remember my daddy teaching me on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. So with every beautiful moment there comes the choice to lament Todd not being here or to celebrate that there are others who want to sow into my children’s lives. I have no doubt what Todd would tell me to do. But I will continue to do both, because I honestly don’t know any other way.
The problem comes when I want to allow the ache for him to take over as I sink down into self-pity because of these feelings. Why at certain times is the blanket of self-pity and sadness so appealing when I know it only leads to destruction? I want to swim in the ocean of my blessings instead of sitting on the shore only mourning what our family has lost. I guess there are times when I swim and times when I put my feet down to feel the sand beneath. I think that is okay…I just don’t want to find myself camping far inland…away from fresh water (Lake Michigan, remember) and cool breezes and life. Of course the shore is accompanied by sharp rocks and very cold water…very interesting that all this beauty comes wrapped with many different textures, huh? Coincidence?…I think not ;-)
Today I am full of thankfulness for all the men who are poring themselves into my children’s lives. These men are not taking Todd’s place but stepping up to help fill in the gap left by his absence. There are so many family members and friends who are forming a web of life around my children. And I am truly thankful.