Here is part of an email a friend sent me last week. She is one who recently got more bad news in the form of test results…her husband was given 6 months to live 6 years ago, and these years have been a roller coaster ride from hell. I asked her permission to share this email because… well, I am just so amazed how she shows up for life everyday in the midst of all this when I know there are many days she would just like to stay in bed with the covers pulled up over her head. My friend is in a very dark time. She longs to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but she doesn't—she hasn't given up hope that she will, and some part of her knows that it is there whether she sees it or not.
Hang onto the promise of joy coming in the morning...sorrow only lasts for a night. However in the midst of it, it seems the sun will never rise again. That is where I am sitting now and I hate it. ... Our choice is in how we respond which leads to that internal war between world and God. Nothing with Christian beliefs fits our world. Have you noticed that? Looking at the fall colors...beautiful, yet they are dying. I don't understand too much right now.
We found out last week ( husband's) cancer is in his bones. Did a radiation treatment to try to alleviate pain. Made him sick. Walking with him through this has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I don't have the answers, but I am finding grace. Learning the meaning of dying to self and giving myself to another...hating every minute of it for the most part of it, yet I would have it no other way. Already lost so much, yet so much more to go.
We enter this sacred ground with God...we learn to just love one another...to accept the yuck and share our hope. I love the story of the velveteen bunny. He sacrificed everything just for the chance to be loved...to be real. There he found his joy. How I long to be real with others but find it so difficult.
I feel so alone most of the time in dealing with his illness and probable death, perhaps as you have faced. Our situations are not the same, but they are similar. I relate to the feelings of knowing you have to go on living when inside you feel dead quite often. Questioning God's promises for a hope and a future, if He really is strong enough to handle all my junk, and then being awed at His grace and mercy. I am in a time of searching, drawing near to God and trying to do so with a few friends.
To all my friends who feel they are sitting alone in the dark…I love you.