I feel something like this sine wave as July 18 and August 2 approach. Mostly the tears feel necessary but full of sadness and pain I confess…some unresolved issues and some just plain old sadness about all that has happened and all that will never be. I will be okay, but I cannot guarantee what state you will find me in at any particular hour of any particular day.
There is some good news. Although the gut punching seems to come more frequently (and a little more violently than the last few months), I do not stay down for the entire count…and I seem to be able to scramble up pretty quickly instead of just laying there and listening to the count. This is absolutely part of it (this journey) and can't be avoided if I am going to continue to move toward healing the really deep down broken parts. I will continue to scramble and wriggle until I can tear myself away from the lie of this darkness when it is trying to overtake me. Darkness will not win. It may temporarily blind/bind me, but it cannot keep me pinned down.
I know you all know that nothing anyone else can do can fix it or make it go away...so please don't waste a minute of your time in worry. I know many of you continue to pray for us, and that is exactly what we continue to need. Pray that I will be attentive to my children's needs and that I will not be too self-absorbed to enjoy the many gifts that do come my way or to notice the needs of others around me.