There to Here

The kids and I continue to do amazingly well...emotional times mixed in with God's sustaining strength and courage and even joyfulness. I do not understand exactly how we got from there to here, but I am thankful.

Here is one of Caley and Luke's favorite hymns.

Hymn to Joy (Beethoven)
Words: Henry Van Dyke

Joyful, joyful we adore thee
God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before thee,
praising thee, their sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;
Drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness,
fill us with the light of day.

Anniversary

Here we are...July 18, 1987. I am doing amazingly well today. I feel Todd's blessing upon me, and God's healing power at work within me.

Oscillating

I feel something like this sine wave as July 18 and August 2 approach. Mostly the tears feel necessary but full of sadness and pain I confess…some unresolved issues and some just plain old sadness about all that has happened and all that will never be. I will be okay, but I cannot guarantee what state you will find me in at any particular hour of any particular day.

There is some good news. Although the gut punching seems to come more frequently (and a little more violently than the last few months), I do not stay down for the entire count…and I seem to be able to scramble up pretty quickly instead of just laying there and listening to the count. This is absolutely part of it (this journey) and can't be avoided if I am going to continue to move toward healing the really deep down broken parts. I will continue to scramble and wriggle until I can tear myself away from the lie of this darkness when it is trying to overtake me. Darkness will not win. It may temporarily blind/bind me, but it cannot keep me pinned down.

I know you all know that nothing anyone else can do can fix it or make it go away...so please don't waste a minute of your time in worry. I know many of you continue to pray for us, and that is exactly what we continue to need. Pray that I will be attentive to my children's needs and that I will not be too self-absorbed to enjoy the many gifts that do come my way or to notice the needs of others around me.

Easy Street

I have been struggling with some things down deep this past week or so…often manifested on the surface in things like stuffing my face with every unhealthy food I can get my hands on. I have not really known "what" I was struggling with…only known that there was a battle of sorts being fought in my subconscious somewhere. These battles are always accompanied by restlessness and dissatisfaction…and vagueness.

This morning I read this paragraph during my quiet time.

"The Greek word philautos is a compound word made from philos, which by now you know means 'friend of, or lover of' and autos which means 'himself.' This term in no way suggests a healthy appreciation of who you are in Christ. The term means 'self-centered or selfish, an undue sparing of self with the primary concern that things be easy and pleasant for oneself.'"

Something inside my spirit jumped when I read this. This is what I have been struggling with…this notion that things should be easy and pleasant for me…this desire to unduly spare myself.

It has been almost two years since Todd died, and it is like I am saying subconsciously to myself…"I've done my time. My kids and I have suffered enough. I've done a lot of hard work… it is time for this part to be over…I deserve for things to be easy and pleasant for me now."

I think some of it comes from the fact that as I am beginning to rebuild and heal more thoroughly, I am scared because I know how much I have to lose if things aren't easy and pleasant from here on out. There are just no such guarantees. Fear does such funny things to our psyche. I do not want to acknowledge this fear…maybe if it goes unacknowledged it doesn't really exist. Intellectually, I know this is not the case…but fear has little to do with intellect.

This morning (and right now) I felt liberated by this epiphany. It is interesting to me how just identifying the lie you are buying into can free you from the hold the lie has on you. My goal in this life should not be to make things easy and pleasant for myself…for in the pursuit of those things I lose any chance at real, lasting joy and peace.

My goal is to know God better this day, so that I may be His hands and feet in this broken world—showing love in the face of hatred, offering comfort to those who are hurting, extending mercy as I have been shown mercy, and meeting the practical needs of others as I am given the opportunity. I know this is a spiritual battle I want to win--that, in fact, has already been won for me…I just have to walk in that victory…claiming what is offered so freely—God's all-consuming love for me. This doesn't guarantee a free and easy life by worldly standards, but if I will let it settle into my very being, my joy and peace will be complete. This will require moving the fear from my subconscious to my conscious…and every day choosing to side against this fear. I will fail at times (and of course have failed many times before) because I am, after all, human. But, thankfully, that doesn't have to be the last word in my story. I am always given the opportunity to get back up and try again.

I wish that I could articulate this more clearly. I have this feeling my words may only make sense to me. But, I guess that is okay too…because you guys probably have the important stuff figured out already…patiently waiting for me to catch up.

While I was typing the last part of this post, the lyrics to tobymac's song Get Back Up were playing in my head:
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again, …
You may be knocked down, but not out forever

Toby Mac (Get Back Up)

Accomplishment

Yay, me!
I did it all by myself. Today I managed to install a wireless keypad opener for my garage door. I programmed it (easy!), and mounted it (also easy, but required me to use a drill which I have never done by myself before). You would have thought I had won the lottery the way I was jumping around after I finished. I ran inside to tell my kids, saying "Aren't you proud of Mommy?!!" Their enthusiasm left a little to be desired….Luke replied, "Can we make Kool-Aid now?" (I am choosing to take this response to mean he never doubted that I could do it. ;-)

The entire project, from start to finish, would have taken Todd about 5 minutes. Of course, it probably took me at least an hour...by the time I read the instructions, climbed up to find the "learn" button on the motor unit, determined it would require more than just a screwdriver to mount the keypad, googled and found out I needed to use a drill and a 1/16" drill bit (because the instructions that came with the keypad just said "Mount the keypad on a verticle, flat surface."), found the drill, selected the correct drill bit, and finished the job. I can hear Todd saying, "Yay, Susie!"

Apple Trees

My apple trees have apples growing!

God’s Promise

This post is going to be about friends and grief, and grief and God's presence in the midst of pain---I think they will tie together…at least they seemed to germinate from the same thread of thought inside me.

Friendship is hard…very rewarding, but hard. Married people know this. Marriage is supposed to be the ultimate friendship, I think—but few are. Todd and I were, in addition to many other things, very good friends. I am thankful for that, but I also know that you have to be one in order to receive one. I am blessed with more good friends than a girl deserves, but I will also say, that I think that I am a good friend to them as well…although, lately some of them may be feeling they are getting the short end of the stick. That is sort of what real friendship is about…you both give and receive all you are able. To be a good friend you must determine what is for the good of the other, not necessarily what makes you feel good. You must determine what boundaries will best help a healthy friendship grow. You must speak the truth in love. You must forgive the unavoidable hurt. When you care deeply for someone and live closely in community with that person, you WILL hurt one another…it is our human condition. I don't believe many "real" friendships exist without being tested and proved worthy of the effort of tending the wounds.

It is hard to witness a dear friend grieve. I don't mean a porch waving friend. I mean one of those "real" friends. It is probably up there with some of the hardest things. It is scary to be confronted with the raging anger and the all-consuming pain that seeps from every pore of that person. It is just plain difficult not to want to rush in with platitudes and fixes…because you care and, of course, you want to fix it…but some things just can't be fixed. I can remember several angry outbursts in the first month of my loss. What I remember most was the gift these friends and family gave me by allowing me a safe place/relationship to have these outbursts. I couldn't have pretended, but if I had feared they couldn't handle it, I would have cut myself off completely…and that wouldn't have helped me heal one iota. The first outburst I can remember occurred with two friends who received the angry, screaming barrage of "How can I ever be okay again? I will NEVER BE OKAY. I SAW MY HUSBAND GET SHOT IN FRONT OF ME—HOW CAN YOU EVER BE OKAY AFTER THAT?" I could tell by my friends faces they were totally at a loss, but it never occurred to me that they couldn't handle it…because I needed them to be able to handle it. Thank God, they did handle it. I have no idea what we said or talked about after this. I just have the memory of relief of not having to hold those thoughts in any longer. I did temporarily cut myself off from friends who lived in Dyersburg…I just couldn't deal with anything to do with my home (that wasn't recognizable as my home any more). These friends were grieving too…they all knew and loved Todd, and I had shut down in so many ways. But, by God's grace, they did not abandon me. Unbeknownst to me, they continued to regularly check on me through other friends and my family. They knew I couldn't talk on the phone, so they would text me daily…never expecting anything in return…they just waited…patiently…for the day I would return to them. I guess deep down, they probably knew I would return to life….they just had no idea how long it would take. I will say it again. It is hard to be the friend of a person suffering tremendous loss—to be able to stand in the face of their anger…to have the strength to listen to their pain without trying to fix. I am thankful that I have been blessed by a network of such friends and family.

This leads me to the second part of this post. I don't have answers to so many things, but I do know this. I could not "not believe" in my loving God (who loves Todd every bit as much as He loves me) any more than I could stop breathing. How else could I ever explain that I watched my husband, whom (with my children) I love more than any other on this earth, get shot just feet away from me, get shot myself, and hear the gunman shoot his own teenage daughter and not remain bitter, and angry and stuck? How else can I ever explain that I have been able to forgive? It is only His grace that allows this in my heart…there is NOTHING natural about being able to emerge from this tragedy with anything remotely resembling contentment. Now it has been very difficult and painful to get here, but I have no doubt Who has done this work in me…and it is NOT me. (My only part has been not to refuse to let Him do this work...which I certainly could have because He always gives that choice to us.) And it is not just me…there are countless adults and children who face the aftermath of loss and tragedy with grace and peace—crediting a loving and tender God as the reason…it totally defies logic.

The only guarantees that I can see in this life are that we will have trouble, that anyone who dares to love deeply will suffer hurt because of that love, and God promises He will not leave us nor forsake us. I believe He has honored that promise in my life and in Todd's life. Thank you for letting me share my heart with you through this blog. Thank you for your help in my healing. I will close with the blessing I pray over my beautiful children most nights. The LORD bless you and keep you. The LORD make his face to shine upon you…and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26)