Lucy

My heart is breaking for the precious Krull family.  I have never met them, but I have been following Kate's blog (2  kids, a minivan and a mortgage ) for over a year now.  Their 6 year-old, Lucy, was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer in Feb. 2011.  Kate writes so beautifully and honestly about her triumphs and struggles as a mom and child of God. 

Lucy's cancer is back, and her mom posted there is nothing more that can be done.  I am so attached to this sweet family I have never even met.  I am crying so hard I cannot even see to type. Please pray Peace, Comfort and Strength for Erik, Kate, Ella, Lucy, and Jack.  There is just so much pain and hurt...and yet, I still believe I serve a loving God who never leaves us nor forsakes us--ever.  I could never explain the "peace that passes all understanding" yet I have experienced it in my own life, so I am praying the great Love of Christ will sustain and keep and comfort this dear family even (or especially) in the midst of this unimaginable awfulness.

long quiet season

I had a friend text me the other day that it had been one month and so many days since my last blog post...and that she thought i should get to it.  Since I am an obedient friend, here is a quick update.

The last few months have been what I would call a long, quiet season.  Lots going on underneath the surface, underneath the peaceful quiet.  Not frantic changes, but slow green growth. 
Sometimes this growth is painful, but mostly it is joyful and healthy.  I understand more and more what an amazing gift Todd's love is to each of us--Caley, Luke and I.  His love for us has provided a firm foundation on which we nourish old friendships as well as develop healthy, new relationships. 

At the end of January, I was set up on a blind date (by a friend whom I admire and trust) with a great guy named Alan.  He has a very kind and generous spirit, and I have really enjoyed getting to know him.  The kids like him very much.  

The kids are excited to be out of school and to have friends over to swim!  Caley had her hair cut off yesterday to donate to Beautiful Lengths.  She is very happy with her shorter cut!  With Alan's help, Caley has started a small vegetable garden, and Luke has a flower garden.    I just turned in grades for my May Semester class.  There will be a few meetings for which I will need to go in to work throughout the summer, but I will mostly enjoy many days of summer with my kids for the next two months!  I  plan to paint and work on other projects around the house, travel to see my mom, Katie, Hal and families, and...have eye surgery.  I have a covering over part of my left eye that must be peeled back before it covers my pupil.  I have that scheduled for the end of June.  It is outpatient, and I should be good-to-go after three or four days with only some minor irritation remaining. 

I have another post kicking around in my head about authenticity, but it is not ready to be birthed just yet.  For now,  I am going to clean house and enjoy my summer!

Angel Laughter

I am listening to 4 boys (ages 7 - 11)  laugh through the movie Despicable Me.  Oh, that sound brings a smile to my heart.  I think this must be how the angels in heaven sound. 

Poser

Sometimes, I feel like I am walking on water.   Why is it that whenever I am called out of the boat, I tend to scramble out as quickly as I can (okay, so sometimes I have to be pushed) ....only to be just like Peter, and sink when I take my eyes off Jesus?  I am so easily distracted from the Source of my strength and peace. BUT, I am getting better at realizing what is happening and putting my focus back where it needs to go.

I have felt like such a poser these last few days.  Fake smile, hiding resentment.  False laugh, hiding insecurity.  Fake, fake, fake.  I really dislike myself when I let me get all torqued up with the mix pride and insecurity.   Almost the minute I started my quiet time this morning, I felt a release of the ugliness.  I have been so tired the last few mornings, that I haven't really done much but try to slurp my coffee and stay awake during this sacred morning time.  In the evenings, I just chose to do other things. Why I don't fall to my knees the minute these feelings well up, I have NO idea, but I don't.

I  was recently reminded again of how fragile life is...we can make ourselves sick trying to balance it all and then it upends on us.  Wednesday, I heard of two different families facing heartache of epic proportions.  The friend who was pouring out her heart to me about these families devastated by tragedy, has her own story of trouble and heartache...but her story is also full of beauty, love, and faithfulness--God's faithfulness.   Our hearts ache for the journey these families face, but with lots of hope that, with lots of help, they will eventually move from tragedy to sharing their own story of grace, peace and healing. 

Puts all this posing in perspective...for the waste of time that it is.

Familiar

I was driving down the road yesterday, thinking about some old neighbors.  (from about 14 years ago when we still lived in Brownsville.)   I couldn't remember the wife's name, and I caught myself thinking "I will have to ask Todd."   For that one moment, everything felt so familiar...in the old familiar kind of way.  Strangely comforting.

Two Old Posts

Found these in my drafts.  

12/23/2011


New Me?

I did something very spontaneous the other day. I was commenting to a friend how "out of character" this was for me. She replied, "you have got to stop saying that. Maybe that wasn't how you used to be, but perhaps this is you now."

I thought about it. She is right. I have made a good many spontaneous decisions in the last year and a half. I can no longer say that it is "out of character." Todd would be proud!



11/21/2011 

Free

I just have to laugh at myself when I realize how seriously I take myself sometimes…and how I want to put God in a box. I get upset when I don't understand how to fit life into this box. I stomp my feet and cry and scream – all of which I have actually done this past week.

 But how awesome it is when I accept that none of it will fit inside my box…and the parts I have stored in there have pieces that are missing. Free. That's how I feel right now, free.

 I am giggling to myself because I am thinking of how trying to fit life into any kind of container is just like trying to zip up your overstuffed suitcase after you have managed to get the last item in (basking in your moment of triumph) only to look over and see another pile of things that needs to fit. Futile ;-)

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Courageous

Songwriters: HALL, JOHN MARK / WEST, MATTHEW

---------------------------------------------------

But everything inside you

knows there is more than what you've heard

And you're on fire when He's near you

…
When everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change

…
I'm standing on the edge of me…

I'm on fire when You're near me
And I'm on fire when You speak
And I'm on fire burning at these
Mysteries…

                                               On Fire
                                    Songwriters: Foreman, Jonathan; Victor, Daniel; 

I am a big Switchfoot fan, but I just found this song.

I think it is absolutely beautiful.  Close your eyes and just listen.

 

On Fire

Change of Address

“Our past does not define us, it prepares us.” I recently came back across this quote, and it speaks so clearly to where I find myself at this moment and to the hope I have that nothing is wasted in God’s economy. We humans have such a capacity to hurt, but, thankfully, God’s nature is to heal.

Someone, early on, sent me a card that has a picture of a little girl twirling outside in the sunshine and shadows. I still have it on my refrigerator, because the picture never fails to bring a smile to my heart (although sometimes it is a very weak smile), and it has been a powerful reminder that—although I could not imagine it at the time--I could dance and twirl again. Little by little, hard fought battles have been won so that I have begun to feel like that little girl on a more regular basis. The scripture verse on the inside of the card was from Psalm 35.

But let me run loose and free, celebrating God’s great work,
Every bone in my body laughing, singing,
“God there’s no one like you.”
Psalm 35:9-10 (The Message)

I still catch myself sometimes getting caught up in the victim mentality…the one where there is never any singing or dancing or twirling. The one where I live like I am powerless to make changes. I can still hear Todd speaking to me when I was upset about something with the kids and how they were behaving and feeling like a victim in my own home. (yuk! I hate to even admit that, but it is true.) He looked at me and said with firmness and love and support, “You are the momma.” I immediately knew what he meant, and I also knew he was right. I had the power to change things. So, when I have these “victim moments” about my life now, I translate “I am the momma” into “I am a beloved daughter of the King, ” which reminds me I do not have to live in a place of doubt and fear and powerlessness. When I recognize the lie I have been believing, it is almost like the feeling I have when I first realize I've had a nightmare...the great relief that none of the feelings and fears are true.  Light is immediately able to pore back into my soul.   With God’s help, I do have the power to change my address. 

I suspect I have blogged about all this before, but this seems to be the way life is, for me anyway. My paths come back around in a spiral to cross many of the same places I have been before.

For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7