I had a good day today and yesterday...and even the day before that. That's pretty darn great--three days in a row! I know there will be more difficult days ahead, but I am going to enjoy the reprieve for however long it lasts. More good news: I slept 9 1/2 hours last night...I cannot remember the last time I slept that long. Hallelujah!!
I have a thankful heart today. That, in itself, is amazing since I have been angry and ungrateful (to varying degrees) for quite some time now. My poor family and friends who see me on a regular basis are probably going to get t-shirts that say "I survived the wrath of Susan" by the end of this first year...but thankfully (for real) they never let on that they are frustrated with me. Thank you all, who continue to stand by me in the face of my neglect and my ugliness. May God bless you as you have blessed me with your servant's hearts.
One thing that has made these last few days particularly nice is that I have had a new wave of memories of Todd. Sweet memories that are filled with good emotion...not like the photo snap-shot memories I have been having. I hated that I couldn't really hear, in my mind, the sound of his voice or laugh...and now I can. The psychologist told me I would recall these things over time, but it is difficult to explain how awful it feels to have spent the last 26 + years of your life with someone and have very 2-D memories instead of the rich 3-D one's you long for. I can't really explain it, so this may not make sense to anyone but me...but that's okay because it is a very good and satisfying thing. At least twice I have even had the whisper of the thought that I needed to check in with Todd. Once, when I was leaving the park after a walk, in the back of my mind swirled the thought that I should go by and see if he needed me to do anything for him, like make the daily deposit or something. I know it was because the park is near his work, and whenever the kids and I left the park we always went by his office and said "hi" and checked to see if he needed anything. And today, I went shopping in a neighboring town...I was gone longer than I expected to be, and when I got in my car to head home I again had a moment where I thought I should call him to let him know I was running late. These things might sound like they should make me sad, but they don't --they are comforting for some reason. Like a veil has been lifted between me and my memories. I would say months 7 and 8 have been pretty hellish, but I have survived. I have lots of hope that the worst part of winter is nearing its end and "spring is coming."
Thanks for listening.
Yeah for 3 good days! Keep counting, there will be more! Obviously not in the same way, but I remember when I first started having good memories of Daddy. It is a comfort and your post makes complete and total sense!
ReplyDeletei'm glad to hear that you've had a string of good days in a row. that's nice. thanks for sharing, too, about your memories of Todd. I would not have predicted the flat memories vs. rich memories as you describe them. And the fact that your experience of memories in this way is a pretty common one (which is how i interpret the therapist's response: others have a similar experience). human beings are amazingly resilient.
ReplyDeleteTears of joy flood my eyes for you, my dear friend. Hallelujah for sleep, good days and break-throughs! I love you so much!
ReplyDeleteNumbness is what happens with severe loss. Eventually with God's help we come out of this drug like state and can start to experience things again.
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