Saturday, August 20, 2011

Entertaining Self-Pity

Well, I continue to amaze even myself…not in good ways. I have been a pill all week. To those of you unfamiliar with the terminology of "being a pill" it means being unpleasant and contrary…both of which I have been in large doses this week.

I have been hostile and angry, and loudly so. My anger was covering my self-pity. Self-pity is such an ugly quality that I would rather be angry and self-righteous than admit the truth.

Here is the picture I got during my quiet time this morning. I am standing in the open door of an apartment (mine). Self-Pity is waiting just outside the door (for it is this knock that I have answered). Instead of slamming the door in Self-Pity's face, I invite it in. As I am entertaining Self-Pity inside my apartment, I hear another knock at the door. It is a friend checking on me. I do not want to let her in because she will quickly see I am entertaining Self-Pity. Instead I stand in the doorway and begin angrily talking about my neighbors and how inconsiderate they are…trying to distract my friend from the real issue. My friend is not fooled. There are several more knocks on the door by friends and several more angry rants by me. Each time the friend sincerely tells me she is so sorry I am feeling this way but also refuses to join me in my ranting. I return to the room where Self-Pity is eating my chips and dip. God has sent these friends to me because He knows what I am (unsuccessfully) hiding…and that as long as I try to hide it, I will not turn to Him for help.

Last night, at some point, I began to face the truth..and what a relief it is to finally face the truth. Facing the truth is always the beginning of peace returning. I am thankful that God never leaves me even when I act like a pill…when I turn away. I should know better….I do know better… I have my very own Exodus story that verifies (to me) God is always near and bigger than what I can see before me…WAY bigger…but I choose to regularly turn away anyway. It is so beyond my comprehension that He joyfully welcomes me back even knowing I will do it again in the not so distant future…but I KNOW (deep inside) He is joyful every time. It is also beyond my comprehension that He is so gentle with me when I know I am deserving of a good throttle! I am so thankful that God is God, and I am not.


  1. Strong Enough To Save by Tenth Avenue North

    You fought but you were just too weak
    So you lost all the things you try to keep
    Now you're on your knees
    You're on your knees

    But wait everything can change
    In a moments' time
    You don't have to be afraid,
    'Cause fear is just a lie
    Open up your eyes

    And He'll break open the skies to save
    Those who cry out his name
    The ones the wind and waves obey
    Is strong enough to save you

    Look now is not too late
    Lift up your head
    Let the rain fall on your face
    You're not far from grace
    You're not too far from grace

    Chorus X2

    I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity
    I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea
    But hold on
    Hold on


    ...the current of yourself can take you out...that's the line that gets me! If I could just turn away and "hold on"! Thank you for being a wonderful example of grace when you "call out His name." I Love you, friend!! D

  2. This is written on Aug. 28 your birthday. Happy Day. I remember when your mom announced you had arrived, after I told her Janie was here--same day. I hope the future birthdays will find. One of these Aug. 28 both you and Janie need to celebrate together. Love from all of us.