Well, I continue to amaze even myself…not in good ways. I have been a pill all week. To those of you unfamiliar with the terminology of "being a pill" it means being unpleasant and contrary…both of which I have been in large doses this week.
I have been hostile and angry, and loudly so. My anger was covering my self-pity. Self-pity is such an ugly quality that I would rather be angry and self-righteous than admit the truth.
Here is the picture I got during my quiet time this morning. I am standing in the open door of an apartment (mine). Self-Pity is waiting just outside the door (for it is this knock that I have answered). Instead of slamming the door in Self-Pity's face, I invite it in. As I am entertaining Self-Pity inside my apartment, I hear another knock at the door. It is a friend checking on me. I do not want to let her in because she will quickly see I am entertaining Self-Pity. Instead I stand in the doorway and begin angrily talking about my neighbors and how inconsiderate they are…trying to distract my friend from the real issue. My friend is not fooled. There are several more knocks on the door by friends and several more angry rants by me. Each time the friend sincerely tells me she is so sorry I am feeling this way but also refuses to join me in my ranting. I return to the room where Self-Pity is eating my chips and dip. God has sent these friends to me because He knows what I am (unsuccessfully) hiding…and that as long as I try to hide it, I will not turn to Him for help.
Last night, at some point, I began to face the truth..and what a relief it is to finally face the truth. Facing the truth is always the beginning of peace returning. I am thankful that God never leaves me even when I act like a pill…when I turn away. I should know better….I do know better… I have my very own Exodus story that verifies (to me) God is always near and bigger than what I can see before me…WAY bigger…but I choose to regularly turn away anyway. It is so beyond my comprehension that He joyfully welcomes me back even knowing I will do it again in the not so distant future…but I KNOW (deep inside) He is joyful every time. It is also beyond my comprehension that He is so gentle with me when I know I am deserving of a good throttle! I am so thankful that God is God, and I am not.