Monday, August 29, 2011

Shadow Days

Sometimes at the end of the day (or even afternoon), my brain is so exhausted I really have difficulty holding onto any train of thought…it is like there are explosions of chaos I keep thinking I should be able to reign in, but then I sort of forget can actually be pretty unsettling. I know that sleep will help, so when this total brain fatigue sets in I try to hold it together as best I can until I can get to bed or at least close my eyes (and shut out all the sensory stimulation) for a few minutes.

Some days it seems like I am moving through a dream about my life. I am talking and doing and smiling, but at the same time I feel this quality of "otherness" about everything (maybe "separateness" is a better word, I'm not really sure) …just like in a dream. On these days I feel like a shadow of myself.

I think often these kinds of days occur hand in hand. I'm not really sure which one is the catalyst and which is the result…sort of chicken and eggish. know, do the shadow days cause the brain fatigue or the brain fatigue cause the shadow days? As I just wrote that I had the thought "the shadows definitely cause the brain fatigue." So maybe that is it.

I am not complaining…just telling. I wonder if some of you have days like this?


  1. i think i know what you mean. a few years ago, when jake was 10, he was hit by a car and broke his leg in 3 places. it was friday night rush hour and we waited 45 minutes for an ambulance to show up. ultimately it was fine, BUT we were soooooooo lucky the car wasn't bigger (like the tour buses that normally drive past our apartments), he hit the side of the car rather than the front, the injuries weren't worse, etc., etc.

    the day after the accident, and after we called parents, siblings and other family /friends, i went out to run some errands. you know. because jake's fine so i'm fine. no effects. i'm fine. see. this is me. being fine. aren't i clever?

    like a dream, or a movie, i would find myself standing in a grocery aisle with no traveling scenes in my brain: no memory of how i got there or what i was doing there. i could focus for a few minutes, but then i'd lose the plot very quickly. i bumped into two friends while i was out and about and i doubt i was even remotely coherent with them. one had the wisdom to just hand over some very large chocolate covered marshmallows and send me home. i think feeling separate from everyone is a good word for it. i felt completely disconnected from other people and from myself. i couldn't really listen to what they were saying or focus on a response. it's how i imagine people who disassociate themselves from traumatic events experience the world. but on a long term basis.

    is there anything that lets you predict when you will experience a shadow day? are the days before or after the shadow days hard?

  2. Have you ever read the Lord of the Rings? Of course you have. You are describing events there. When evil enters our life this disassociation happens. The evil one wants to separate us from everything good and holy including the joys of life.
    God bless.

  3. Your words ring true with me. I occassionally get a similar (though not exact) feeling, that when I finally slow down-assess my life--or whatever, I wonder how I got to where I am. And why I continue in that path. I think that trying to hold it all together makes it worse. I know that some days (or weeks) are SO much worse than others.