Nothing Further At This Time

Off and on during the past two or three weeks, I have been very angry with God regarding the brokenness of this world...We didn't ask to be born, but we have inherited this mess, and due to our very human nature we are destined to perpetuate the brokenness...or are we? This excerpt from The Shack (by William P. Young) reminds me there is an alternative to just perpetuating the brokenness. He has redeemed me. He is redeeming me. He will redeem me.

Mackenzie is a father whose young daughter, Missy, was kidnapped and murdered. Mack has the following conversation with another character in a chapter titled "Here Come Da Judge." (God the Father is referred to as "Papa" and appears to Mack as a woman, so God is often referred to as "she." I know it is a little confusing if you haven't read the book.)

"No, I love Papa, whoever she is. She's amazing, but she's not anything like the God I've known." (Mackenzie speaking.)

"Maybe your understanding of God is wrong."

"Maybe. I just don't see how God loved Missy perfectly."

"So the judgment continues?" she said with a sadness in her voice.

That made Mack pause, but only for a moment. "What am I supposed to think? I just don't understand how God could love Missy and let her go through that horror. She was innocent. She didn't do anything to deserve that."

"I know."

Mack continued on, "Did God use her to punish me for what I did to my father? That isn't fair. She didn't deserve this. Nan didn't deserve this." Tears streamed down his face. "I might have, but they didn't."

"Is that who your God is, Mackenzie? It is no wonder you are drowning in your sorrow. Papa isn't like that, Mackenzie. She's not punishing you, or Missy, or Nan. This was not his doing."

"But he didn't stop it."

"No, he didn't. He doesn't stop a lot of things that cause him pain. Your world is severely broken. You demanded your independence, and now you are angry with the one who loved you enough to give it to you. Nothing is as it should be, as Papa desires it to be, as it will be one day. Right now your world is lost in darkness and chaos, and horrible things happen to those that he is especially fond of."

"Then why doesn't he do something about it?"

"He already has…"

"You mean what Jesus did?"

"Haven't you seen the wounds on Papa too?"

"I didn't understand them. How could he…"

"For love. He chose the way of the cross where mercy triumphs over justice because of love. Would you instead prefer he'd chosen justice for everyone? Do you want justice, 'Dear Judge'?" and she smiled as she said it.

"No, I don't," he said as he lowered his head. "Not for me, and not for my children." She waited.

"But I still don't understand why Missy had to die."

"She didn't have to, Mackenzie. This was no plan of Papa's. Papa has never needed evil to accomplish his good purposes. It is you humans who have embraced evil, and Papa has responded with goodness. What happened to Missy was the work of evil and no one in your world is immune from it. "

"But it hurts so much. There must be a better way."

"There is. You just can't see it now. Return from your independence, Mackenzie. Give up being his judge and know Papa for who he is. Then you will be able to embrace his love in the midst of your pain, instead of pushing him away with your self-centered perception of how you think the universe should be. Papa has crawled inside of your world to be with you, to be with Missy."

Missing Daddy

My sweet baby girl cried her eyes out last night because she misses her daddy. My son kept saying "Please don't cry because that makes me feel like crying too." He also added he was having trouble remembering things he did with Daddy because it has been so long. I was trying to soothe them both with words, but I realize what they needed most was for me to hold them (which, of course, I did) and not say anything, because there is nothing to be said. It sucks…and my heart is breaking alongside theirs.

Breakdance

When the kids were very small we would dance every night after they had their bath. We would go down to my son's room and turn on the radio and Todd, the kids and I would all dance. I have such fond memories of that. I can remember thinking at the time that I hoped, as the kids grew up, they would remember how much fun we had doing this. I cannot remember how or why we stopped…I guess as the kids stopped taking baths together and bed time became more flexible in the summer time as they got older (you know, like 4 and 7 years old ;-) we lost this part of our routine. But I still smile remembering. The other night the kids and I did it again and had a ball. We turned up the music and danced like crazy…my daughter was a little sidetracked trying to make a guitar out of a long, skinny piece of cardboard and an empty Capri sun box. it looked really cute when she finished. Her brother begged her to make one for him. We all laughed and acted silly and, of course, danced (which was really part of the silliness). My son said we should do this every night, and I reminded him we used to. He replied, "yeah but it's more fun now 'cause I can dance a lot better. I can breakdance!"-- and he immediately demonstrated in the manner that only an energetic (translate: spastic) 6 year old boy can. Beautiful stuff.

Better Every Day

 

I am getting better every day. I look back on this summer, when I could tell I was beginning to crawl out of the pit, and I can tell such a difference. If I look back to August 2009, I am truly a different person from then. Even though I still miss him more than words can adequately express, I do not become stuck in the pain. I look at pictures of Todd and they make me smile…sometimes even laugh, remembering something about him. I want to enjoy the good times and face the bad times with strength and courage that comes from knowing I never stand alone. I am not there yet, but I am getting closer.

 

The Fullness of Love

Recently, as my children and I were having an evening full of fun and conversation, I candidly asked them how they would feel if someone asked me out on a date. (No, I don't have anyone in mind. But someday, I am hopeful that I will again experience the kind of love that Todd and I shared...not a carbon copy, but beautiful and rich none-the-less.) Although they didn't give it the total thumbs down, they both responded they weren't sure they would like that much…I got questions like "Why would you want to do that?" (6 yr old son), and "If you ever got married again, would I have to call him 'daddy'?" (10 yr old daughter) I immediately wanted to reassure them that this in no way could ever diminish my love for them or their daddy. One of the things I said went something like this: "I will always love Daddy…I cannot NOT love Daddy—there will always be a hole in my heart that cannot be filled because I love Him so much." Well, my children's response to this was to immediately remind me how much our love for Todd fills our heart and that our love for him is one of fullness, not emptiness. They talked about how Daddy's place in their hearts used to be as a part of the ring of all people they held in their hearts who loved them, but with his death he had moved from the ring to the center (where he touched everyone in the ring). Even though I thought I understood exactly what they were saying (and agreed with them and thanked them for reminding me of the truth!), they felt the need to draw pictures to make sure I fully understood. They were in concert with one another as first my daughter, and then my son, drew a picture of their daddy in the ring of people (all holding hands). They spoke about how his spot wasn't taken when he moved from the ring to the center (and they erased him from the ring and drew him in the center), but how all those people who loved them (and I think they even included "all those who ever would love them" like they were stretching it out to include their whole lives) just pulled closer together and how Daddy was now touching everyone in the ring because he was in the middle.

Our children can teach us so much. I know this retelling cannot do justice to those beautiful moments (nor should it), but I am so glad my heart was opened to the profound truth they spoke to me that day…of how the fullness of love was made to triumph over the emptiness of loss.

May the fullness of the love, of all those who love you and whom you hold dear, fill your heart to overflowing. If you are feeling especially lonely this day, I pray you will let God's love fill your heart and mind with the (heart) knowledge of how much He loves you.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love…"

Jeremiah 31:3

Doing Well

A friend emailed me and asked me if everything was okay since I hadn't posted since 1/1. So I thought I would post. I am doing well. My job and kids activities and homework have kept us very busy this week. I really love my job. I can tell it is going to get more time consuming, but I will just have to stay focused on keeping a balance. The kids are doing well too. They had friends spend the night last weekend (a big sister and little brother duo) and had a ball. We had snow late Sunday night so there was no school Monday...kids were doing their snow dance all evening. "Hands up high, feet down low--that's the way we dance for snow!" You sing this and do a little dance as you sing...found myself singing it long after they had gone to bed. They were so psyched that they didn't have school Monday. We read, watched a movie and played a game, and ate snow cream...did I mention that we only got about an inch and a half of snow? ;-) We get excited no matter how small the accumulation. They played with friends in the afternoon and we all stayed for supper...a very satisfying day. Busy, busy, busy week since then with several sets of ups and downs, but more ups than downs, so that goes in the win column.
...gotta go...my kids are getting ready for bed and my son is still streaking around after his bath...i guess he will learn to wear clothes before he gets out of elementary school.

Sifting Through the Memories

Been going through boxes that have been sitting on my floor since I moved 9 months ago...many pictures, papers, cards, and notes...must be done, but I wish I could wave a magic wand and have it all finished. My heart is pretty achy tonight, but I am drinking a toast to my sweet Todd and reflecting...hopefully the healing continues. I really miss him.