Joyful Song

I sense God has put a new song inside me. This song is full of love and laughter and suffering and sadness...but it is woven into a joyful song, nonetheless. I can't explain it--it just is.

New Beginnings

I have had a few days of feeling really alive for the first time in a year and some months. I don't think I can really explain it since it's not happening on an intellectual level. I just realized that I have been fully present with my children in the morning and evenings. I don't think I knew that I hadn't been (fully present with them) before--almost like emerging from a fog...but that's not quite right. I like it. I don't mean everything is peachy--it just seems real and true. Thank you, God.

Walking With

My friend's husband died Thursday evening. He was able to be at home with hospice care (wonderful people)...but that last day and a half was extremely difficult from what I understand. You would think that I would be prepared to "minister" to my sweet friend because of my experiences...and yes, I think probably seeing that the kids and I are doing well is some hope and encouragement to her and her children, but I still don't have any magic words or actions to make the nightmare go away or to speed up the journey through these darkest of nights. Everyone is different in how they deal with their grief...what I learned in my journey does have some universal properties, but I have also witnessed how each of us has our own way of handling things.

As she and I sat there in her kitchen later that Thursday night, I still talked too much and listened too little--even though I know better--the desire to help the nightmare end seems to force unnecessary words to flow forth--but the bottom line is I can't do a thing really except sit in the ditch with her--letting her know that, as she is ready, I am here to be an ear...not a mouth full of advice, but an ear to listen.

I know I cannot walk through the dark night for anyone...or hurry them through to the other side--but I can walk (quietly) with--using my God-given gifts and abilities to care (as my family and friends continue to do for me) as I accompany them on *their* journey...trying not to confuse their journey with my own.

Cousins

I wish for everyone cousins to grow up with. Todd and I both had very fond memories of long summer days spent with cousins. My cousins and I always joked that we wanted to all end up at the same "old folks home" together...then we decided we had better own it or we would surely get kicked out. Their rich, deep laughter and beautiful smiles come to mind whenever I think of mine.

Flying Time

I cannot believe it is November 1st already. It really seems like somehow it should still be September. I don't want to turn back the clock because I don't want to lose any of the ground I have gained in the past few months--but I do wonder how the time marched on the calendar without me really noticing.

I just deleted a long paragraph about Thanksgiving and Christmas because the words seemed so sad and defeated...I am going to try very hard during late November and December not to wallow in the loss...but to celebrate life. I just haven't quite figured out how I'll do that. Have to get back to you.

On an up note. I heard from two of my cousins whom I haven't talked with in quite some time. They can always make me smile when I think about them. We had such fun growing up together. I can remember thinking as we drove away from their home one Thanksgiving when I was in high school or college "God, no matter what happens in my life, don't let me forget what a great family I have and how content I feel right now. Thank You." I guess I need to spend some time appreciating the many moments that spawned that long ago prayer.

Another’s Story

Here is part of an email a friend sent me last week. She is one who recently got more bad news in the form of test results…her husband was given 6 months to live 6 years ago, and these years have been a roller coaster ride from hell. I asked her permission to share this email because… well, I am just so amazed how she shows up for life everyday in the midst of all this when I know there are many days she would just like to stay in bed with the covers pulled up over her head. My friend is in a very dark time. She longs to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but she doesn't—she hasn't given up hope that she will, and some part of her knows that it is there whether she sees it or not.

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Hang onto the promise of joy coming in the morning...sorrow only lasts for a night. However in the midst of it, it seems the sun will never rise again. That is where I am sitting now and I hate it. ... Our choice is in how we respond which leads to that internal war between world and God. Nothing with Christian beliefs fits our world. Have you noticed that? Looking at the fall colors...beautiful, yet they are dying. I don't understand too much right now.

We found out last week ( husband's) cancer is in his bones. Did a radiation treatment to try to alleviate pain. Made him sick. Walking with him through this has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I don't have the answers, but I am finding grace. Learning the meaning of dying to self and giving myself to another...hating every minute of it for the most part of it, yet I would have it no other way. Already lost so much, yet so much more to go.

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We enter this sacred ground with God...we learn to just love one another...to accept the yuck and share our hope. I love the story of the velveteen bunny. He sacrificed everything just for the chance to be loved...to be real. There he found his joy. How I long to be real with others but find it so difficult.

I feel so alone most of the time in dealing with his illness and probable death, perhaps as you have faced. Our situations are not the same, but they are similar. I relate to the feelings of knowing you have to go on living when inside you feel dead quite often. Questioning God's promises for a hope and a future, if He really is strong enough to handle all my junk, and then being awed at His grace and mercy. I am in a time of searching, drawing near to God and trying to do so with a few friends.

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To all my friends who feel they are sitting alone in the dark…I love you.

Challenges

Overall I am doing very well. However, I have noticed lately that Sundays have become more difficult to get through. I think maybe it is just one more part of moving on and into life. In the past, Sundays have not been any more difficult than any other day. I think they are beginning to stand out because I am moving out of numbness into life. I generally wake up okay, but it seems as the day progresses a heaviness envelops me, and I begin to think about that Sunday when the world turned upside down. I really do think this is just another step toward healing and wholeness, but I sure wish there could be another way to climb out of the pit...but for me, I don't think there is. So I am trying to say, that ultimately, this should be a good thing if I deal with it...then I guess I'll be ready for the next challenge--whatever it may be.