Sunday, February 14, 2010

One step forward, two steps back

Yesterday afternoon I made a poor, no a bad, decision. It seemed so innocent, but even as I was making it I knew it was a bad one. No lasting harm came from this decision (at least not that I am aware of), but that is not the point. What is the point, IMHO, is that I consciously chose not to make what I was fully aware was the right decision.

Okay, I guess I should fill you in on what happened, huh? I was in Memphis for the day (no kids), and I decided to take my book and go into a "sit down" restaurant to eat before heading back home. Although before Todd died I often did this and enjoyed it very much, this was the first time since August that I had tried to do this was kind of a big deal. That is where the one step forward comes in. I initially ordered water to drink, but then decided to have a glass of wine with my meal...this was my first step back. Not that I consider ordering a glass of wine "wrong" by any means. In fact, I frequently enjoy a glass of red in the evening. But yesterday I knew it was the wrong decision for the circumstances...and I knew this from the get-go. It was bad enough that I silenced the small, still Voice inside the first time...but I did it twice! After I drained the first glass, I decided to have another. Well, I am sure you will not be surprised when I tell you that I was crying at my booth all through the second glass of wine...basically having a pity party because I was inebriated...okay, so maybe that's a bit strong, but I was buzzin (did I mention that I had only eaten a yogurt so far that day? ) It makes me laugh this morning at how stupid I was, but I was not laughing last night. Now some of you might be thinking, "give yourself a break--you just lost your husband, and it was almost Valentine's Day, and...and...and..." But that is not the point at all. I knew better, and I decided to do that which would clearly be destructive to me in the long run. Why is it we do that? (Don't pretend you haven't done it too!) How many things that could potentially be celebrations and small victories do we ruin by silencing that Voice inside that tells us "don't do that" ? I think I often do it to reassure myself (ha ha) I am still the boss of me, but this is about as effective as a two-year old stomping her foot to show she's the boss--and, ultimately, much more destructive. The joke of it is, I know I don't need to be the boss of me. I know my tendency toward self-destruction when left to my own it's not a very funny joke. Most days I am fully grateful that I am not the Boss, but I have my moments, and they are definitely not my finest.

Lest you think I am beating myself with a wet noodle, let me assure you I am not! ;-) I am thankful that as soon as I ask Him to, God forgives me for acting like a two-year-old...even though He knows it won't be too long before I do it again.

By the way, I didn't get home until late (although I entered the restaurant around 3:30) because I was stuck until I could drive myself home. Time and three cups of coffee took care of it, but I was fully aware of all the people coveting my table at what had, by that time, become a very busy restaurant. And thanks to my two friends who texted me through my pity wasn't the first time, and I am sure it won't be the last, that you helped me in my time of need...and neither of you said "and WHAT were you thinking?!"


  1. Perhaps, Susan, you need to think of this in a different maybe it wasn't truely a bad decision, but rather another step in your way to healing. I think that you can take the positive part of this situation; that you tried a "step forward" move, and you were not ready for it yet. There was no step back at all, just the realization that you were not ready for this.
    P.S. I did a bit of crying myself yesterday.

  2. I agree with you about taking the positive from the situationa and realizing I wasn't quite ready for this. But I think my night would have gone much better if I had just asked the server for a to-go box and left ;-) Thanks for your insight.

  3. Don't Fret. You are not alone.
    Romans 7:15

  4. Like I said in my e-mail you have a LOT of friends in Memphis who would love to have a cup of coffee with you. They are only a call away.

  5. Your night might have been better with a to-go box but you would have missed the opportunity to learn.

  6. I know exactly how you were feeling. I have made several bad decisions in the months following Lance's death. I too was tempted to have a drink that ended up being a four pack of those little margaritas. I was home alone with the kids at friends and I hate being alone. And being alone is my fault because I have such great friends who would be there in a heart beat, but sometimes you just need that time alone. Anyway, mine was even worse as I actually got in the vehicle with these drinks in hand and went out to the cemetary and drank and cried. I didnt have as far to travel as you, but I know it was not the thing for me to do. So i asked God to forgive me for my behavior and I know he has.