Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Saying Goodbye to Limbo (or wanting to)

I find myself in a strange place--in between a strong desire to hang on to what was and a strong desire to move forward. It is agony here...in between raging at God about what has happened and being thankful to Him for His tender care in the aftermath...in between wanting to just check out emotionally and (thankfully) a stronger desire to push through the pain. I just threw my shoes across the house and threw myself on the bed and screamed and cried and kicked because I feel like I am the rope in an awful game of tug-of-war.

I am supposed to close on a house this Friday. I am caught in between an intense desire to run away from everything (including the new house) and the desire for a fresh start. I am caught between knowing it is time to move forward (not forget, but to truly recognize I cannot get back to the way things were) and feeling so sad about doing this...there is an element of guilt in that sadness also.

I know that spring is coming, but winter does not want to give up its hold...the groundhog says so...and so do my emotions. But emotions aren't truth, they are just a reflection of our perception of the truth. I know that God has planted a strong desire for healing and health inside me...and when I think I can't walk anymore, He reminds me of my children and His strength to keep me from fainting, and I find I can keep walking. My children do not need a momma who is checked out and not available to them, and His strength enables me to be the momma they do need. That is truth.

Even though I find myself overwhelmed with grief this week, I will not lose my hope that, with Help, I can push my way through this frozen, hard earth to the fresh air and sunshine. Winter will give up its hold, and spring will come.


  1. I know exactly that feeling...you want to continue on but you feel something pulling you back. Just know that your children need you to be functioning. I lost my dad when I was 22 and I went through a mental breakdown. I now know from that what your mind can do if you let it. I dont want to go back to that again. Even though losing Lance is been a much harder experience, my kids are what keep me strong. So hang in there and just hug those babies....they need you.

  2. War - as I scrolled back to the top of this - the WAR of tug-a-war stuck out. I know you already know this - but you (we) "...are not fighting against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" I pray that you will be strong in the Lord and put on the whole armor of God so you can stand firm!! Father, I pray that where the past has become an unpleasant memory that You would redeem it and bring life out of it. That You would bind up Susans wounds and restore her soul. Help her Father, to release the past so that she will not live in it (yet hold on to the sweet memories), but learn from it, break out of it, and move into the future You have for her and the kids. In Your Name I Pray! D

  3. I'm reminded of the scene in Steele Magnolias where Malinn is so filled with anger about her daughter's death and Clairee says, "Here, hit Weeser!" :-) And then everyone starts laughling.

    If it were only that easy, huh Sus. Personally, I think throwing your shoes across the house and kicking, crying and screaming was a good thing.

    Love you.

  4. I love you so much. You have shown so much strength and faith in God to me. I know that as surely as spring will come you will come through this even more beautiful than you already are.

  5. It is hard to move from what you know to the uncertainty of the future. Maybe harder to face is that desire that is growing to move forward. Kick and scream girl, all you need too. God can handle it. Tear those walls down and hold on to the hope of a future. There is a great big world out here when you are ready.

    I am cautious to write this but there is a necklace that caught my attention and meant something to me during the season I am in. It says something like, just when the catepillar thought her life was over, it was then she became a butterfly. Praying for you as your energy and anticipation builds to bust out of the cocoon.

    I love you.

  6. I heard an interview the other day with Patti Smith that made me think of you. She was talking about someone who she was close to who died of AIDS and she said something along the lines of time doesn't heal the wounds when a loss is this big -- what time does is transfigures pain and grief.

    i read this and your previous blog entries and they made me sad and happy. i'm sad that todd isn't here anymore, but like your other friends said, i'm so happy you had someone like him in your life.

  7. You sure do have great friends!