This post has some unattractive language…so don't read it if that offends you. It also rambles quite a bit….so don't read it if that irritates you ;-)
Well, tonight I'm pissed…but not too much anymore. I have been bitchy today, and I am thankful that God can handle it…particularly when it is directed at Him like it has been today. If I had had a chocolate bunny rabbit, I would have probably bitten its head off and spit it in the garbage. Try as I might to get worked up as I write this, I can't do anything but laugh about it although all afternoon I've been whining and mad about life in general…how I didn't ask to be born, and I don't really want to "do" this life a lot of days….I am not grateful, I am just plain pissed off to be here. So there…the cat is out of the bag. At one point today, I was so upset I thought I would vomit. I try to put a pretty smile on it, but it is just plain ugly some days. And in case you think I am having a pity party for only myself, you are wrong…I am having a pity party for this entire messed up and hurting world…for all the people who have recently lost everything, including loved ones, in these recent storms…for all those who live in extreme poverty…for all the children who are abused by adults who are supposed to love and care for them…for my friends in unhappy and/or abusive marriages…I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I scream in my car (by myself) as I drive down the road…loud and long, guttural screams. I yell "why is everything so hard!" Why didn't what's-his-name cuckoo head have the calculations right, and the world as we know it could have ended last week…I'm ready and fine with that (although I didn't think for one minute it was going to happen on May 24th… no one knows when, but I am just telling you I am ready).
I am better. I still don't have answers…didn't expect any cause I don't think there are any that would make sense to me…seeing as I am not the creator of the universe or the one who has gifted all of herself over to said creation. But I do trust Him…even when I am pissed…precisely because He has (created and gifted all of himself). I trust that he is in the midst of all this chaos and pain that we humans delve out to one another…this complainer included. I have to remind myself that I have hurt and mistreated those I profess to love most...not just one or two times in my life, but many times over. Ugh…what hope is there? I do know the answer, even though sometimes (like today) I want to pretend I don't. I know He is there in the beauty of His creation and the ugliness we humans have created. I know He is faithful and wants to draw everyone to Him, but He waits for each of us to decide that we want that too. I know that sometimes He does alter circumstances, but I also know sometimes He just keeps you company in awful circumstances. I believe whether He alters circumstances or keeps us company in them, He is always working toward reconciliation between Creator and creation…working out His plan of redemption for all mankind. I know Him, and He loves me. I am thankful for that even when I'm pissed.
The thing is, I'm upset because I'm ready for Parousia—that time when God will be "all in all." And I am thinking He is longing for that as well…so if it hasn't happened yet, there must be a very good reason. So I will have to wait…not idly…but trying to do my part to make this world better as He has instructed me (us) to do. Since I must have His help to do this to the best of my abilities, staying pissed off is like biting off my nose to spite my face.
Thank you, God, that You never leave me to my own devices. Thank You, that You never leave me, period.