April Showers

The loneliness is the worst part, I think...I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely because I do not know, and I am not known, in that way that Todd and I knew one another...and *that* is what makes this sometimes feel hopeless...that I will never know or be known in this way again.

True, Kind, Necessary?

My kids and I are trying to intentionally practice asking these 3 questions (which we borrowed from the Atrium) before we say something:

1. Is it true?
   
2. Is it kind?
   
3. Is it necessary?
   

   
    

The other day I heard Luke in the back seat sort of muttering to himself "Well, It *is* true,…and…wait, I better think about that one..." He ended up correcting his sister about whatever it was…he struggled with the "is it necessary" part ;-) But he didn't say it unkindly, and it was true ;-)

 

I often realize too late that I have failed to go through the checklist before I have made a hasty comment. Oh, the trouble I could save myself if I could learn to do this automatically. What can I say? In this house, we are all a work in progress.

Insights into Me

Listed in no particular order.

1. I have found it helpful to remind myself I do not have to think every thought that falls into my head. I have found that even though I am tempted (to follow thoughts that will only lead to depression, anger, dissatisfaction), God is faithful when I ask for help…sometimes I still refuse to ask for help—always to my detriment. I find that it is much easier to ask and receive His help when I feel the first nudge of a thought track I don't need to follow…once I have begun the track I become a bit rebellious and/or angry which makes it harder for me to even want help.


2. Now juxtaposed to #1 is the need to go through the pain, to face the grief head-on. I do not believe there is any shortcut, and trying to take the long way around in avoidance will not help either…we must go through. When grief overwhelms and overtakes me (and it still does at times), I don't try to fight it. For the most part, I let it wash over me without guilt…I don't really try to hide it from my children (except when I need to scream loudly—I do wait for them to be out of the house before I do that…too scary to hear mommy wailing and screaming in anguish)


3. Time and work do help.


4. I don't believe there is an answer to "why" that would ever satisfy me.


5. Our choices are to play the hand that has been dealt or to fold…I have felt like folding on many occasions. To just lie down and not even try to get back up has had a LOT of appeal during the past 20 months—particularly the first 12. I have finally reached the point where most days I am content to be alive--and I feel very privileged to care for my children. I am determined to learn to live life fully, but there will be absolutely no regrets when it is my turn to go…I am ready whenever that day/moment comes.


6. Before all this happened I had already worked out that God is good--the world we live in isn't always. He created it to be good, but we seem to have other ideas. I am glad I had already questioned, struggled and resolved this beforehand.


7. I admit to still questioning God's goodness from time to time (but only in a very shallow sort of way…not way down deep like before). I don't have answers to why human beings treat each other so horribly, but the fact is we do. I also don't have answers for why some people who by all "rights" should be bitter and angry choose to love…but the fact is many do.


8. I am not fearful, nor am I reckless.


9. It is impossible to please everyone.


10. I cannot control how others behave.


11. I am surrounded by a community of family and friends who continue to pray for my kids and me, and this brings me such comfort—particularly when I am feeling weak and overwhelmed.


12. I am cared for by a God who loves me beyond measure. My children are cared for by this same loving God.


13. If I continue to love, I will continue to have times of sorrow.


14. It is not all about me…and I don't want it to be.


15. I am strong (inner strength).


16. I am smarter than the average bear. (at least *I* think I am)


17. Laughter really is good medicine.

Great Week

I have had a great week. My mom came to visit last Saturday, and my sister joined us Wednesday. My kids and I have really enjoyed having them here. Friday and Saturday my school hosted a conference, and I was able to see so many dear faces from the past. Although I have not seen some of them in years, I consider them life-long friends...and they all knew Todd...no words had to be said, just big hugs given and warm, loving smiles shared...a few misty eyes, but mostly just genuine fondness and contentment to see one another again. Thank You, God.

forward

I am making the choice to move forward…and make no mistake, I have a choice. It has been almost 20 months since Todd was ripped from us. I still have days when, if I didn't have children to care for, I would just lay on the floor and weep. The other night I did shut myself in the bathroom and do just that--but I eventually DID get off the floor even though I cried off and on the rest of the evening.

…but back to the moving forward part. I *am* living my life, not just existing in it. I do many things for myself that I NEVER thought I would, and in doing these things I know that I am stronger than I ever thought possible...but I have also pretty much learned to accept and ask for help when I need it. I do not have my husband (who was the BEST dad) to help me with my children; I do not have my lover and dearest friend of over 25 years to encourage me and make me laugh…and for lack of those things I am very discouraged at times.

…but back to the moving forward part. The apple trees are beginning to bud! The weather has been beautiful the last few days. The benches and ashes have made a space where I can go and talk to Todd and feel connected to him in a healthy way…at least I think it is healthy. I know that Todd is at peace. My beautiful children are healthy, and they are continuous reminders of the beauty of their dad. I have a loving, supportive network of family and friends. I have a job that I really enjoy and colleagues who are wonderful to work with…and I have my Tom Petty station on Pandora Internet Music. Of course, I wish Todd were here to enjoy all this too, but he's not, and he won't ever be again…so I am going to enjoy it for the both of us because I know that is what he would want. So you see, I am moving forward…and I can even hear music over the next hill. Todd would want me to dance, so I am going to try.

Better Today

Thanks for your kind thoughts and prayers.

Overcome

Just when I think I have my act together, I am overcome. I bought some concrete benches today to sit between the apple trees and scattered some of Todd's ashes around. I unloaded and put the benches together myself--even though the concrete was extremely heavy. I layed on one of them and talked to Todd when I was done.
Earlier today:
A friend who is having a baby came by to tell me that she and her husband had decided to name him after Todd...it will be his middle name.
I read some of the old news articles written about that horrible night.
Not too bright, am I?
Only cried a few times today, but I fell apart this evening. I am tired, and everything is worse when I am tired.
It hurts so very badly, I feel like I will crack.