I am making the choice to move forward…and make no mistake, I have a choice. It has been almost 20 months since Todd was ripped from us. I still have days when, if I didn't have children to care for, I would just lay on the floor and weep. The other night I did shut myself in the bathroom and do just that--but I eventually DID get off the floor even though I cried off and on the rest of the evening.
…but back to the moving forward part. I *am* living my life, not just existing in it. I do many things for myself that I NEVER thought I would, and in doing these things I know that I am stronger than I ever thought possible...but I have also pretty much learned to accept and ask for help when I need it. I do not have my husband (who was the BEST dad) to help me with my children; I do not have my lover and dearest friend of over 25 years to encourage me and make me laugh…and for lack of those things I am very discouraged at times.
…but back to the moving forward part. The apple trees are beginning to bud! The weather has been beautiful the last few days. The benches and ashes have made a space where I can go and talk to Todd and feel connected to him in a healthy way…at least I think it is healthy. I know that Todd is at peace. My beautiful children are healthy, and they are continuous reminders of the beauty of their dad. I have a loving, supportive network of family and friends. I have a job that I really enjoy and colleagues who are wonderful to work with…and I have my Tom Petty station on Pandora Internet Music. Of course, I wish Todd were here to enjoy all this too, but he's not, and he won't ever be again…so I am going to enjoy it for the both of us because I know that is what he would want. So you see, I am moving forward…and I can even hear music over the next hill. Todd would want me to dance, so I am going to try.