Sunday, March 27, 2011

Insights into Me

Listed in no particular order.

  1. I have found it helpful to remind myself I do not have to think every thought that falls into my head. I have found that even though I am tempted (to follow thoughts that will only lead to depression, anger, dissatisfaction), God is faithful when I ask for help…sometimes I still refuse to ask for help—always to my detriment. I find that it is much easier to ask and receive His help when I feel the first nudge of a thought track I don't need to follow…once I have begun the track I become a bit rebellious and/or angry which makes it harder for me to even want help.

  2. Now juxtaposed to #1 is the need to go through the pain, to face the grief head-on. I do not believe there is any shortcut, and trying to take the long way around in avoidance will not help either…we must go through. When grief overwhelms and overtakes me (and it still does at times), I don't try to fight it. For the most part, I let it wash over me without guilt…I don't really try to hide it from my children (except when I need to scream loudly—I do wait for them to be out of the house before I do that…too scary to hear mommy wailing and screaming in anguish)

  3. Time and work do help.

  4. I don't believe there is an answer to "why" that would ever satisfy me.

  5. Our choices are to play the hand that has been dealt or to fold…I have felt like folding on many occasions. To just lie down and not even try to get back up has had a LOT of appeal during the past 20 months—particularly the first 12. I have finally reached the point where most days I am content to be alive--and I feel very privileged to care for my children. I am determined to learn to live life fully, but there will be absolutely no regrets when it is my turn to go…I am ready whenever that day/moment comes.

  6. Before all this happened I had already worked out that God is good--the world we live in isn't always. He created it to be good, but we seem to have other ideas. I am glad I had already questioned, struggled and resolved this beforehand.

  7. I admit to still questioning God's goodness from time to time (but only in a very shallow sort of way…not way down deep like before). I don't have answers to why human beings treat each other so horribly, but the fact is we do. I also don't have answers for why some people who by all "rights" should be bitter and angry choose to love…but the fact is many do.

  8. I am not fearful, nor am I reckless.

  9. It is impossible to please everyone.

  10. I cannot control how others behave.

  11. I am surrounded by a community of family and friends who continue to pray for my kids and me, and this brings me such comfort—particularly when I am feeling weak and overwhelmed.

  12. I am cared for by a God who loves me beyond measure. My children are cared for by this same loving God.

  13. If I continue to love, I will continue to have times of sorrow.

  14. It is not all about me…and I don't want it to be.

  15. I am strong (inner strength).

  16. I am smarter than the average bear. (at least *I* think I am)

  17. Laughter really is good medicine.

1 comment:

  1. i am so impressed with your personal -- i don't know what -- gumption? fortitude? strength? generosity of spirit? all those things and maybe others that i don't have words for.