Apple Tree Update!

An apple from one of our transplanted trees!

I Will Survive

Gloria Gaynor's hit "I Will Survive" is currently my daughter's fav-or-ite song.  She has the you-tube video marked on our favorites bar.   She will play it over and over and over, singing about 2/3 of the  words correctly as she belts out the lyrics she doesn't quite know yet. She reminds me of someone ;-) 

I can still remember the first 45 vinyl I ever requested as a Christmas gift.  Paul Davis's "I Go Crazy."  I loved that song, and whenever I hear it (LOL! usually in Kroger) it transports me to the corner bedroom I shared with my sister on Brecon Drive.  In that same bedroom, I  can also remember playing Bread's "Lost Without Your Love" over and over and over, for hours on end, trying to learn the lyrics by heart.  I still know (most) of them.  And whenever I hear it in Kroger, I sing along louder than I should. 

Caley asked me if she could use "I Will Survive" as her ring tone whenever she finally gets a phone...then she decided she would save it for her first break-up and THEN use it as her ring tone! For some reason, I just love that she loves this song.  Since she won't be dating for quite some time...a very long time from now, she's got plenty of time to learn all those lyrics.  Then maybe one night when she is married with children and shopping late at Kroger, she will find herself singing along a little too loudly to go unnoticed. 


You know you wanna (sing along ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I


Gloria Gaynor

I Will Survive

At first I was afraid I was petrified.
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong.
And I grew strong!
And I learned how to get along!

So now you're back from out of space.
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.
I should have changed that stupid lock!
I should have made you leave your key!
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.



Go on now, go, walk out that door!
Just turn around now‚
cause you're not welcome any more.
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt (break) me with goodbye?
Did I crumble
Did I lay down and die

Oh no, not I! I will survive!
Oh and as long as I know how to love I know I stay alive.
I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give.
And I'll survive!
I will survive! Hey, hey.



It took all the strength I had not to fall apart.
Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart!
And I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry!
But now I hold my head up high.

And you see me somebody new!
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you.
And so you feel like droppin' in,
and just expect me to be free,
now I'm saving all my loving for someone who is loving me!



Go on now...

My Turn

Last week,  we were all watching Mississippi State play Auburn.  I started yelling and hollering.  My daughter said I was embarrassing her.  I looked at her.  We were watching the game on tv in our living room. She said it again.  "I know no one is here, but it's still embarrassing."  

Then I remembered how adult emotion of any kind makes most kids of a certain age soooo uncomfortable.  I laughed.  She really shouldn't have given me such good ammunition. She has no idea how good a discipline tool this piece of knowledge will be in the coming years.  When kids are little, they can embarrass their parents pretty easily by the things they say and do.  BUT now it is my turn.

It will be a few more years (and maybe not ever) before I can embarrass her brother. It is too early to tell, but preliminary polling indicates he may be one who is just encouraged to one-up my parental embarrassment tactics. 

Re-gifting

I want free-will, but I don't want to suffer any consequences from my decisions or the decisions of others... I want Him to intervene sometimes, but get angry when He tries to direct me onto a path that is best in the long-run but not immediately gratifying. I make conscious choices about what I eat and drink (putting all kinds of chemicals, too much sugar and fat,etc. into my body) and the exercise I don't get regularly and don't want my body to suffer any harm as a result.
oh, and  I want my entire path to be revealed when I am not even willing to take the next step that has been made clear. I want people to “just act right” but then I don’t always “act right” myself.

I want, I want, I want...

Irony. To be truly free, I must re-gift the gift..to the Giver (no less) -- returning the gift to Him and allowing Him to change "my wants" into a desire for "His wants." Then one really cool part of all this is that I become part of the healing of this world instead of part of its destruction...because I become aware I've been redeemed when it seems I was beyond redemption, loved when I have been so unlovely, forgiven for seemingly unforgivable acts.  When I keep these things in mind, I am much better able to extend grace and mercy instead of anger as a response to the hurt and pain that try to be so in-your-face at times. 

I am able to see myself in the ugliness of the world--not in condemnation but in honest appraisal.  Recognizing that truly, by the grace of God, I am not condemned and haunted by the ugliness inside me.  I am free to get back up, let myself be dusted off, and start fresh--taking with me the lessons (often) hard-learned.  May you trust in Him, to extend a loving hand, dust you off, and help you back on your feet for tomorrow.  

Teetering

This is a post from last week...  

The last few days I have been teetering on the edge of self-pity, which is such a joke because I have also had moments of total peace and joy and contentment. I recently had eye surgery, and that afternoon as I was lying on the couch listening to kids play in the pool was one of those moments. My girlfriend who accompanied me to my appointment was there. The girlfriend who watched my kids that morning was there and playing in the pool with her kids, my kids and my other friend’s kids. My girlfriend who frequently ferries my children to meet my in-laws was there (picking up my children so they could spend the weekend with Todd’s family while I recuperated)…all these women and children I love were here at my home accompanied by a soundtrack of  laughter from these precious kids…and I was completely full with an awareness of how very blessed I am. I mean COMPLETELY full.

Later this weekend, I cried because I was washed over by feelings of loss. Last week, while vacationing with my brother and his family I had several similar moments. Of course, there were mostly happy and content moments. My kids rode every roller coaster in the amusement park we visited…a pleasure they definitely inherited from Todd and not me! Hal taught the kids how to skip stones in Lake Michigan. Something I remember my daddy teaching me on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.  So with every beautiful moment there comes the choice to lament Todd not being here or to celebrate that there are others who want to sow into my children’s lives. I have no doubt what Todd would tell me to do. But I will continue to do both, because I honestly don’t know any other way.

The problem comes when I want to allow the ache for him to take over as I sink down into self-pity because of these feelings. Why at certain times is the blanket of self-pity and sadness so appealing when I know it only leads to destruction? I want to swim in the ocean of my blessings instead of sitting on the shore only mourning what our family has lost. I guess there are times when I swim and times when I put my feet down to feel the sand beneath. I think that is okay…I just don’t want to find myself camping far inland…away from fresh water (Lake Michigan, remember) and cool breezes and life. Of course the shore is accompanied by sharp rocks and very cold water…very interesting that all this beauty comes wrapped with many different textures, huh? Coincidence?…I think not ;-)

Today I am full of thankfulness for all the men who are poring themselves into my children’s lives. These men are not taking Todd’s place but stepping up to help fill in the gap left by his absence. There are so many family members and friends who are forming a web of life around my children. And I am truly thankful.

Just Sayin...

In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
John 1:4

I am not sure why I wrote the details I did in the post "Held" but I think I just needed to write them out that day.  Most of you already knew them because you sort of lived it along side me.  I never want to convey the impression that I think I have suffered any more than anyone else. 

I say this because I frequently hear statements from others who belittle their own grief and loss in comparison to mine, and it really frustrates me.  (Of course, I have done this myself too.) There is no ranking extreme grief and loss...it is just plain hard no matter how it comes. There is not one of you who reads this who has not been cut to the heart by your own tragedy and loss... maybe it has come through death or lost health, personal assault through violence, the painful break up of your family from divorce, or countless other ways someone experiences it every minute of every day.

I hope this blog is encouraging to those who read it...not showcasing "how pitiful" or "how brave" or *whatever* I am.   But how good God is.  His Light does shine in the darkness.  I am nobody special in this world, but in God's kingdom, I am His beloved child whom He does not abandon (even when I turn my back or throw a fit).  And I am praying you know that you are too. 

Held

I was listening to Natalie Grant’s song, Held, this morning. Really listening. I have heard this song many times (I own the CD), but this morning I was just struck by its truth. We want God to change our circumstances—and sometimes He does—but His promise is that we will always be held in the midst of all our circumstances…even (or especially) during the worst of circumstances.

The words to this song start out mourning the death of a child. As a parent, I cannot really even wrap my mind around a loss so great. But I do know about what it’s like to watch your beloved husband shot just feet from you, know the gunman was going to shoot you (and he does), and then hear the gunman go inside your home and hear him shoot his own daughter…and be the only survivor of all that awful, wasteful violence. I know what it’s like to know you should be thankful that you are alive to raise your precious children…that they have not been left orphans, but to want to just curl up in a ball and die yourself. I know what it is like to desperately want to change places with your dead spouse. I know what it’s like to want to rewind the clock and get a “do over.” But we can’t and we won’t, and we will never have explanations as to “why” that will satisfy. “It is what it is”…and we have to move forward whether we like it or not…or the darkness really does win.

I know all about that darkness, but I also know—and this is the most important thing I know-- that God really does hold us during these horrific times.  I know if He holds me, then He holds each of us. 

In my mind, Todd and S.N. are surrounded by Light and Love. They are not encased in darkness. This is my perception, and I believe it is only possible because most (certainly not all) days I am able to acknowledge I am being Held.



HELD

Songwriters: WELLS, CHRISTA NICHOLE


Two months is too little.

They let him go.

They had no sudden healing.

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling.



Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.



Chorus:

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/natalie_grant/held.html ]

This hand is bitterness.

We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.



(Chorus)

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.



Bridge:

If hope is born of suffering.

If this is only the beginning.

Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?



(Chorus)

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held

This is what it means to be held.