Ramblings

Todd could pretty much fix anything. That was one of the many things I loved about him. I always felt so secure when things went wrong. My first thought was usually "thank goodness Todd will know what to do." All I had to do was call him at work with the predicament, and he would usually have a plan to fix it by the time he got home. He was always so good about explaining things to the kids too...he would let them help with almost any project--whether it was working on motorcycles or making biscuits.

This move has been made difficult not necessarily by what I've had to do, but rather by how it has highlighted his absence. I had many friends offer to help with this or that, but other than a few odd jobs, I was unable to accept their kindness because their presence would have just highlighted his absence...which has been so painful these last 7 1/2 months. I basically just wanted Todd or no one. I am bad about biting off my nose to spite my face, but honestly I just didn't have the "umpf" to communicate the directions that would need to be given...Todd would have been in charge of giving the directions if he were here, and I did not want his job. My mom, sister (they have sort of developed an understanding of my grunts and angry outbursts and do a pretty good job of interpreting the overall meaning of what I want done...they are also very good about asking if I want to do certain things or if it is okay for them to...like taking down Todd's pictures...and they never dreamt of going into our closet to pack up his stuff...they are very respectful of sacred ground and I love them for it) and I have packed up the small boxes of this and that, and I hired movers to get the big stuff. My brother-in-law came up for most of the week and tackled all the odd jobs that Todd would have done, like moving the computers, putting up curtain rods, and installing the garbage disposal. I think Todd would like it that Joe did these things. He always liked Joe very much for his quiet ways and sense of humor. On moving day a friend brought us breakfast at our old house and then she and another friend provided supper at our new house...very much appreciated. Moving day was difficult...I felt, as the movers moved the large pieces of furniture out of our house, that I was watching my life being dismantled before me...if my kids hadn't been nearby I think I would have laid down on the concrete and never wanted to move again...but instead, I put on my smiley face and faked it as best I could...

Two college friends came and helped move the apple trees Todd planted several years ago. I am so grateful, because as we all talked about, I could have hired someone to do it but it wouldn't have been the same. One of them joked "if somebody's gonna kill these trees, it's gonna be us." That made me laugh...and I really did feel like Todd would have said, "Susie, was this really necessary? Couldn't you just plant new trees?" But it was necessary to me, and perhaps the very fact that he wouldn't have moved the trees but planted new ones made it okay for them to move them for me. All the same, I was a little off all afternoon, not really knowing what to do with myself.

One of our strengths as a couple was that we worked through a lot of things together as a team...we thought so differently that we were each able to point out solutions the other would never have thought of. I miss that. (Of course, anyone who has been married for any time at all also knows the potential this "thinking differently" has to aggravate--but really if we could truly appreciate one another for our differences I think we would be blessed more than not.) I miss so much about him, but I am having to learn to function without him because that is just how it is. Overall I think I am doing very well (although some of you may beg to differ, but please don't) for the circumstances, but the problem is that the circumstances just suck.

Well, I have rambled a lot today, but those are the threads that have been floating around in my head so that is what you get ;-) I thank all of you who have helped, offered to help, and/ or continue to hold us in your prayers. I love you all.
Susan