I knew this weekend would be difficult with the fourth of July and all that goes with that highlighting Todd's absence. I started out yesterday thinking "I just don't think I can make it through this day without a breakdown"--and almost as if to ensure that would happen, I began listening to Sarah McLachlan whose haunting melodies easily drag me into melancholy...which is why I generally DON'T listen to certain kinds of music. However, as I've already mentioned, I was feeling rebellious yesterday and listened anyway. I did finally turn it off and get with the program, but I kept thinking I wasn't going to avoid a meltdown completely...I had just bought myself some time. All I wanted to do was make it through the day so that when evening came I could withdraw into myself. When you want to shut down and you can't, the frustration you feel is immense, and an emotional outburst is very likely to be the outcome.
But then something awesome happened. Friends came over to swim after lunch. I had a beer and just watched this other momma swim with the kids, and I was able to be thankful for the blessing of her presence to do what I could not--interact with anyone--at that moment. Then we decided to take the kids for an early supper (and I am still thinking I just have to make it to bedtime and I can fall apart). Then my friend suggested that she and her husband come back later in the evening and shoot fireworks with the kids. I knew that my kids would not get another opportunity for this, so I decided to go for it. We ended up with another family (close friends also) joining us--a spontaneous party of sorts. We had a ball--night swim and fireworks. The kids enjoyed it so much, and so did I. So guess what? I didn't even want to have a come apart by the time I crawled into bed around midnight. Isn't that awesome?!