I am better today. I am beginning to allow God to speak comfort to me again. …I had pretty much turned my back for the last few weeks…refusing to receive because…well, because I just didn't want to. Once again, the toddler in me rages for control.
I know the next month will continue with its difficulties since anniversaries abound. July 18 we would have been married for 23 years. August 2 will be one year since this nightmare became our reality. It is also the day I start a new job--one that I believe will be very good for me. A large part of my difficulty is not wanting to let go of so many things--wanting to straddle that fence of yesterday and tomorrow. I picture myself sitting with one leg on each side of a wooden privacy fence--holding on so tightly that I am hugging the fence…and it is very uncomfortable to sit there for long. I need a new picture. I am going to try to see myself walking through a beautiful field of wild flowers…with many flowers behind me and many in front.